Tuesday, August 16, 2016

                                                       Top Ten Mormon Phelps Faces

1 - When you thought were going on a foreign mission

but get called to Idaho.

                             2 - When you thought you paid a full tithing but came up $1k short.

                       3- When you get called as Ward Mission Leader (or Nursery Leader or Scoutmaster). 

                              4 - When Sacrament meeting goes more than 20 minutes over.

                                         5 - When, right after fixing the best breakfast ever,

                                                         you remember it's Fast Sunday.

                                  6 - When a visiting family steals "your family's" pew in the chapel.

7- When you finally get to the food line at the Ward dinner

and there's no more funeral potatoes left.

                                         8- When the parking lot's full at Stake Conference

                                                       so you have to park up the street.

                                                    9 - When the U. of U. beats BYU



           10 - When you realize you have a meeting at the same time as the Super Bowl.

Sunday, August 07, 2016

10 Reasons Why Some LDS Women Definitely Do Not Want to Hold the LDS Priesthood

Because, If we did:
We’d be expected to own our own trucks and help ward members move!
We’d not only bake the loaves of bread but we’d have to deliver them too!
Three words: Church Sports Program; really?
After we finish our visiting teaching, we’d have to do our home teaching!
We’d have to go door-to-door the first Sunday of every month
to collect Fast Offering… and not in our robes!
We’d be expected to go to Scout Camp!
We’d now be the ones pounding flags on flagpoles into everyone’s front yards!
During Christmas, we’d have to hold tithing settlement and miss out on all those sales?!
If we were put in the Sunday School Presidency,
we’d no longer be able to run home and check on our dinner roast!
We’d be the ones planning all the Relief Society Dinners AND all the Priesthood dinners too!

On the other hand, we would be able to sleep through all of our meetings!

Sunday, July 31, 2016

If a Mormon Became President

The Elder's Quorum would help move all of the
furniture into the White House

A buzzer would be installed to give
a five-minute warning to all White House meetings.

The Department of Housing and Urban Development would be renamed
the Department of Housing and Suburban Development.

To help organize all world events,
sign-up sheets would be passed around the room
at all Cabinet meetings.

If a cabinet member is unable to attend his or her meeting,
he or she would have to get a substitute.

FEMA would be replaced with
the Relief Society.

To further promote goodwill,
all U.S. Ambassadors would be asked to
"Heart Attack" the front doors of all world leaders.

While waiting for the President to arrive
for his press conference,
journalists would play hang man.

Government meeting attendance would be taken
by having a government clerk walk up and down the aisles
while marking hash tags on a small piece of paper.

Attendees at Presidential dinners would be allowed to
take food home to freeze for upcoming family dinners.

Stay tuned for more...

Monday, June 20, 2016

Most Offensive Sister Ever!


    Happy Monday!!!

    Feel free to throw in your most offensive sister moment. Here's mine:

   We were all young then and maybe I should write this off to youth or new motherhood, but:

   I was in a Relief Society aerobics class, years ago. We would meet every morning in the cultural hall, put on some music and be led in an half-hour aerobics workout by a real aerobics teacher! How did we know this? Cause she told us all the time! And she would tell us other things about herself:

How she would be more blessed than the rest of us for covering up her body because, for her, this was a huge sacrifice, where, for us, because our bodies weren't as perfect as hers, the sacrifice wasn't as great.

This same woman, one time, when I was in bed in the middle of a miscarriage, called to ask if I could watch her three kids, along with my five. I said, "I am so sorry. I can't because I am in the middle of a miscarriage." She honestly said, "That's okay, my kids can play outside!" I stuck to my guns and said no.

She also told me, when my brother passed away from AIDS that I should be glad, cause her sister was severely depressed and there was nothing worse! (I have totally sympathy and empathy for depression, so this is not a dig at depression but a statement about maybe not comparing each other's pain?)

So, this one day, I was at her aerobics class. After she had danced with her side pony tail and pink headband with fluffed up bangs and I was probably in sweats and a T-shirt, she came up to me after the class.

"You know," she said, "You have one of the prettiest faces I have ever seen. It's just a shame it's on that body."

She then mentioned that if I ever wanted help reshaping the body I had been given that she would be glad to help. And I should mention that, at this time, I was 5'8" and 145 lbs. Hardly huge and who cared?

I never called her.

I looked her up recently to see what she is doing. She is now a motivational speaker.

Wednesday, June 15, 2016

Best Emergency Preparedness Expert Ever!

      We were in this ward, once, with THE BEST Emergency Preparedness Expert ever! Seriously, I do want to give this guy credit for all of his time and effort. He will be blessed for this I'm sure:
       First of all, this guy was a commercial pilot and I hate to fly and he didn't help the matter much because--as nice as this guy was, really--he ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS AND ONLY wore Levi bib overalls, when he wasn't flying commercial airlines AND he cried over EVERYTHING. See what I mean? Pilots are people too, which means they could be more emotionally unstable than me! SSSSCCCCAAAARRRRYYYY!
      So, this guy is the emergency prep guy and he does stuff like, cry while he's telling us the best bargains for the month at the cannery and he really cried hard when the bird flu came out and he showed us how to put on our masks, and this wasn't a paper mask purchased at Walmart, this was a full-on chemical warfare mask.
       Then, he got this idea of possibly saving all of mankind--particularly those of the LDS faith and, even more particularly, those of our ward, while in an emergency situation, and, like I said, bless this guy for being willing to carry out a full-on emergency preparedness event.
       The event included setting up "Generals," or whatever he called them, from the Elder's Quorum and High Priests, who would adorn neon yellow vests so they could stand out while commanding their troops on the day of event. And to make the event more authentic, signs were made--red meant blood/someone was hurt, yellow was attention needed and black was death and green was good to go/come on in for some ice cream--these were to be posted on the door of each participating house (which meant our neighbors must have been wondering what the heck was going on) to show what type of emergency attention was needed. And then, to make the event even more authentic, he called the local authorities to let them know our neighborhood would be running this exercise, so we would basically have the full support of the United States Government. And then, to make the event even more authentic, he was going to cordon off the parking lot of the church with caution tape where all of the "survivors" were going to sleep there for the night in the parking lot. And, to make it even more authentic: WE WERE ALL GOING TO RECEIVE A GRADE ON OUR PERFORMANCE, either an A, B, C, D or F, just like school all over again! I did get some good grades in high school...except for sewing. I just couldn't do it. My brain wouldn't go there. Once, when my daughter was in seventh grade, she came home and asked, "Mom, will you teach me to sew?" and I immediately stopped her in her tracks, looked at her and declared, "Never EVER swear like that in this house again." I truly believe Satan invented the sewing machine.
      So, like the millionaires on Shark Tank, upon hearing about our Emergency Preparedness Event immediately, I'm like, "I'm out!" No way was I going to go through all of this rig-a-ma-roll and spend the night on the asphalt of the church parking lot because our Fridays were emotionally sacred to us. We worked so hard during the week only so we could play harder on the weekends. Yeah, on this one, I'll take the death sentence.
      But, I got the feeling, by listening each Sunday as all of these plans were laid out, that we were the only ones who felt this way, so Kent and I kept our thoughts to ourselves. Yes, I had roped Kent in to my way of thinking, wbich wasn't hard at all. Just include a stop at Golden Corral and Kent  was good to go. 
      Our door sign was delivered. We were red for blood in the home and Kent let it be known that he probably wasn't going to be available that night so he would not need the vest they dropped by, much to the chagrin and concern of his fellow brethren. We did feel a bit guilty, if that helps. This event was just too overwhelming for us, like being elected to prepare the world's largest pan of Funeral Potatoes or finding your ancestors all the way back to Adam during a 24-hour marathon; some things we just couldn't wrap our bean brains around. 
      So Friday comes along AND we couldn't even believe it, but we both forgot all about this Last Day on Earth Event. Satan had erased it from our minds.
      So, I go to work. Kent goes to work. We talk casually, on the phone, throughout the day, not knowing what we want to do, for sure, that night, but we want to do something. So, later that day, because my car was in the shop, Kent picks me up from work and casually we drive home, so excited it's Friday! Wahooie! THIF! Thank Heaven It's Friday!
      We get off the freeway, weave through some side streets and find ourselves merrily cruising along our street, "laughing all the way."
       Out church is also located on our street, so while cruising along, suddenly we see our church and notice all these people gathered in the church parking lot, behind some yellow caution tape!
       "Oh, wow. That's weird. I wonder what's going on over there?" I said.
       Then, all of a sudden, Kent says, "It's that emergency preparedness event!"
       I'm like, "Holy Yikes!" and duck, after noticing the leader in his overalls, yellow vest and HARD HAT!
       Kent races past them. "I don't think they saw us," he said like an escaped parolee.
       I sat up. "Whew. That was close."
       We see all the houses around us, each one with a red, yellow, black or green sign on their door and the whole neighborhood is abandoned. 
       "Wow, great night for a robbery," I joked.
       We sneak into the house, like we're the ones their after, totally afraid they're going to find us and force us to sleep on the asphalt. Quickly, we changed our clothes and got out of there the backway before anyone saw us.
        That Sunday, the bishopric member thanked everyone for participating in the Emergency Preparedness Event and I worried that a tag might be added, "And good luck to all those who chose to ignore it."
        Then, a couple of days later, we weren't surprised when our "F" letter arrived.
        We will repent someday, and we are selfish in knowing that if a disaster really did happen, this fabulous ward really would have saved us in spite of the fact that we ditched them.
        Even though the friendly pilot in overalls was a close neighbor who talked to us quite often and even offered to get us a discount on our chemical warfare masks, after this event, he rarely ever spoke to us again.

Yikes on One Eternal Family Perspective

  So, I'm the Primary teacher to a class of 11-year-olds, this one particular year... eleven 11-year-olds. It was okay. We had a great year after my therapist put it all into proper perspective for me.      
     However, one time, we were all sitting in opening exercises and this one kid, I'll say he was 5-years-old, stood at the pulpit to give his talk. His dutiful father stood next to him, holding a set of pictures. This is how it went:
     Dad whispers in kid's ear.
     Then, kid stretches up to reach the microphone and says/yells: "My talk today is on eternal families."
     Dad hands kid a picture, kid runs over to the portable cork board and thumbtacks a picture of kid's family--mom, dad, kid and his baby brother. Kid runs back to microphone.
     Dad whispers in kid's ear.
     Kid says: "My parents were married in the temple."
     Dad gives kid picture, kid runs over and puts up a picture of Salt Lake Temple.
     Running back to the microphone, Dad whispers in kid's ear.
     Kid says: "My parents gave birth to me."
     Kid runs over, really excited, and puts up picture of himself.

     What a great talk; cute dad, cute cute kid! Possibly, if someone had a camera, this could go viral.

     Kid goes back to microphone. Dad whispers in kid's ear, then kid says, "My parents had my baby brother."
     Dad hands kid photo, kid runs over, puts up picture of a cute newborn baby, swaddled in a blanket, up on board. Kid races back to microphone excited to get more words and pictures. Dad whispers in kid's ear.
     Kid: "We need to obey the commandments" he looks at his dad, his dad whispers in his ear, kid laughs and says, "and love everyone."
     Dad gives kid picture. Kid posts picture of ten commandments on stone tablets.
     Kid stands at microphone, waiting for next prompt.
     Dad whispers in kid's ear.
     Kid stretches. "If my baby brother doesn't obey the commandments..." Dad prompts kid with more words. "My baby brother can't be with us forever."
     Kid runs over to board, takes down picture of baby brother and runs back to microphone.
     Dad whispers in kid's ear, kid closes talk and everyone says, "Amen."
     Smiling proudly, Dad hugs kid, kid hugs dad, and they both sit down.

     Whoa! Wait one eternal minute. If cute baby doesn't obey he's out? That's it! Eternal families are really just one big sport, like basketball and baseball? Three strikes and, "You're outa there!" And, what about big brother? What if he doesn't obey? The sleeping baby doesn't even realize the doom that's coming his way!
     I looked around the room to see if anyone else thought this was a bit LDS odd. Time marched forward, we were dismissed to our classes and, there you go, we all are entitle to our own way of teaching that families can be together...if you obey.