COMING SOON TO A STAKE NEAR ME

COMING SOON TO A STAKE NEAR ME
by Bettyanne Bruin

Our Ward announced last Sunday that the ward boundaries within our stake would be realigned. The meeting is scheduled for next Sunday at 4:15 p.m, and thus triggered the very-much-frowned-upon-but-very-much ignored rampant rumors.

Ah, Mormons. We're so interestingly obedient, so tempted and so willing to yield. We're so "in the world and not of it, yet of it, but not too much of it, but still very much of it."

For instance, I'm in Primary today, minding my own business. Kid leans over to me. "My dad told me all the changes coming up in the ward boundaries." He even took on the tone of an adult in pure ward boundary change wonderment. This kid's dad is in the bishopric, so rule number one: never tell your Primary child "the news" because it feels so good to tell, because even they will be in certain circles where they will reveal this type of supposedly Fort Knox, secure information.

So, now I know we will no longer be attending our usual ward building, which is referred to as The Barbie Ward, I think because it is so small. As opposed to the Fourth Ward, which I refer to as "The Plastic Ward," because of all the plastic surgery, or another ward in our stake that I refer to as, The Toupee Ward, well, because you can guess why.

So, now I just learned, as my husband descended down the stairs after visiting from another member of the bishopric, that our ward boundaries will not change much, just a part of another ward will be moved into our ward. This is awesome. These people should apply for jobs as Washington leakers. Oh well, 'cause I'm really looking forward to the move now because I've run out of all the look-a-likes I can find, and I'm pretty sure there's going to be some really great Pamela Sue Andersons or that ditz that married the old man--ah, yes, my husband just pegged it for me when I asked: Anna Nicole Smith. Hurry, bring 'em on. And I'll let you know how close these pre-revelations really are to the real thing when we find out next Sunday, also now known as Funday.

K, so this week was the best: Personally speaking, Gen, this one is for you:

So, my daughter, Hilary was asked to teach an Enrichment Night class, to which she became VERY nervous because she was intimidated by so many of the sisters in this ward. So much for acceptance and sisterhood. So, anyway, she asked me to attend as sort of like her bodyguard or something, which was totally fine. I actually do love this ward and don't feel intimidated. Hilary probably only does because she's still so young and impressionable, where I am 53 and totally fine with who I am, no matter what circle I'm in. My white trash trunk always with me, I'm good to go anywhere.

So, anyway, I took a seat on one of the back rows, next to an old friend of mine. I glanced around the room, as we all do, to make sure a general authority or the wife of an old boyfriend is not in attendance, to which there wasn't ...but wait.... lo an behold, what do my bloodshot eyes see, but a "chick" seated on the row in front of me. Yes, that one, with the sugar-spun blonde hair. No way. Can't be! NO WAY! I lean over to the sister next to me. "Um, see that lady in the row in front of us... all the way to the left... seated in the last seat of that row?"
"Yes," she whispers.
"Is she in the ward?" I ask, paying closer attention to my full bladder.
"Yes," my friend says. "She just moved in."
NO FREAKIN' WAY!
K, so let's go back. If Gen is 24, then this was eleven years ago.
Gen and I are driving along, in another one of our long lines of beat up fifteen passenger vans, as I drive her to school. Cruising along Alta Canyon Drive, we pass a low-riding maroon and white Corvette with the license plate that has the word "Sugar" printed in big letter on it, and I suddenly enter a new phase of my life: Sugar is now on Earth in living color. I did not know this before this exact moment.
I look at Gen. "Did you see that?"
Better than the name, the woman driving the car looks like pure sugar, if you know what I mean. And that made this all the better. In my wildest dreams, somewhere, somehow, I would have LOVED to have been sugar for a moment myself, but I liked football and camping too much, so that category was never a part of my real life. So I say to Gen, "Lookie there, Sugar just passed us in living, driving color."
And, from this moment on Gen and I had a non-spoken pact: Every time we passed Sugar, we acknowledged it. Always a surprised, everyone once in a while when we least expected it, sure enough Sugar passed us, and it was sugar cane sweet!
"There goes Sugar!" Gen would declare and somehow mutually we knew it would be a great day and it was. I think, from that point, on there was always an eye out for Sugar, just in case.
And then it would happen: We'd pass Sugar and silence would sometimes even prevail as we began to reverence this moment. Always the same, always sweet, Sugar was a form of world stability for us in her own sweet and simple way.
Just think about it: Sugar. Can't you feel it?
So there I was, sitting quietly in my seat in this Enrichment Night and before me, just six feet away, in real life, is Sugar. Ha! What are the chances? Heaven is so awesome and filled with surprises, which is why I love Earth.
I am so jazzed at this point that I start whispering my whole Sugar story to my friend. She doesn't seem to be as mesmerized by this strange phenomenon as me, so I decided I cannot rely on the arm of her flesh and I begin to make a plan... to meet Sugar. After the class, I find my way over to her. "Hi," I say. "My name is Bettyanne Bruin. I used to be in this ward and I hear you have just moved in. That's wonderful."
I am always so checked into my seventh grade inner brat.
"Yes, I did," says Sugar sweetly. I look at her hair. It is sweetly spun in it's overbleached blonde way, set in place like it has been sprayed with Karo syrup. Her clothes are also very sugary in their professional business suit/tramp sort of way. And her voice is very soft and sweet to match. Oh, and she weighs about 90 pounds. And I am so dadblameit proud of myself for stepping up to the dessert plate on this one. "Well, it's nice to meet you. And where did you say you live?"
She smiles and I know it's going to be a good day tomorrow. "Oh, we just bought my father-in-laws house."
"That's awesome," I say. "And who's your father-in-law?"
And then she told me.
Oh, Vieve! Where are you when I need you most? I cannot post his name, but think, think back. He was a former librarian in the ward, loves country western dancing and lives in a white house across the street from our house...with a gym! Yes! Sugar is his offspring's wife! Isn't that the best info on Earth so far? Don't you love it? Don't die, Vieve! Don't pee your pants! Just love it 'cause this is the real stuff life is really made of here on Earth.
And thank you, Sugar, for the confection layer you've always added to my life. I didn't have the guts to really push my inner brat on her and ask if she still drove her corvette.

More:

This reminds me of last year:

A new man moved into our ward and immediately my husband hated him with a passion, which was really fun. Because this type of hatred is made of pure male passion, which is hard to find--that male hatred that some men have for a man like this because a man like this is a bragger which most men have to fight so hard to not be, so when they find one that gets away with it, they don't know what to do but HATE him with a passion! Fro instance, this male bragger has been known to state such stuff as "While I was in the BISHOPRIC of my old ward, while reading THE STANDARD WORKS one day, following my DAILY PRAYER, after buying NEW JET SKIIS from my MILLION_DOLLAR company" etc.
So, anyway, this man bugged my husband so much that I decided I had to do something about this. I had to help my husband, Kent, face this trial head on. So, because I was on the ward activities committee, I thought it might be fun and advantageous and kind of a personal Christmas present to Kent if I orchestrated having this bragger man MC our Ward's Christmas party.
One month later, Bingo!
The night of the party, as the program began, I leaned over to my husband and said, "Merry Christmas, honey. This one's for you." And out stepped Braggerman. It was priceless and I inhaled every minute of it. "Brothers and Sisters, I'm honored to be your MC for the night. While in Denver, as a member of the Bishopric and a leader in the community, I had many chances to MC events and I've humbly appreciated each offer that's come my way."
Sometimes, I envision ringing a bell every time a ward member is caught bragging within an "air of humility".



Tah-tah for now!

Yes, Gen, Kels loved the scrapbook fair. I have seen every item she's purchased, one by one and tried to cheer for each one. She totally cried when I took her to school on Friday for fear she would miss the event. Even Kent stepped in on this one, making sure to deliver her to the front steps of the Expo.

BREAKING NEWS: LDS WARD LOOK-A-LIKES

BREAKING NEWS: LDS WARD LOOK-A-LIKES
by
Bettyanne Bruin


I'm not sure what the disease is called, but I think I have it. Weird thing is, I always have had this disease. Without question, nine times out of ten, whenever I see someone, anyone, I don't see them for who they really are, physically. I always see them for who they look like. And I believe I've gotten pretty good at pegging a die-hard Jack Nicholson, Mickey Rooney, and a close George Clooney in past and current wards. Through my years of identity savantness, I have found most of the characters from the Wizard of Oz, the genie from Alladin, Ronald McDonald and Bozo; you name it, I've found it. This became quite the craze with my kids and actually helped them be more reverent in Sacrament meeting, as we sat there, through the years, pegging people:

1 -
Former Bishop: Genie from Alladin,
he had the upside down mouth/smile and the eyes.

2 -
Former Relief Society chorister: cowardly lion
(mostly for the hair and the wrinkles around her eyes);
former Activities chair (a woman): tin woodsman
(her shiny make-up and gray funnel hair);
former magazine rep: scarecrow
(skinny guy with a skinny face and the exact same mouth).

3 -
Former chorister (a woman): Ronald McDonald
(total red hair worn just the same as Ronald. Drives a bright red car. );
the interesting thing here is she's married to Bozo
(obviously a bald guy, except for the toilet-seat-
white-hair wrapped around his head).
Very strange.

4 -
Not one, but two men: raccoons.
(Both had heavy foreheads that hung way over their eyes with a unibrow)

5 -
Older man,
was never sure what he did in the ward, wandered alot,
but he looked just like a big huge owl.
(Heaviest forehead ever seen with one gigantic unibrow
and a very prominent nose between two big eyes.)
I always wondered what he looked like as a kid
and could only figure he HAD to have looked like an owl then too.
No, his wife did not look like a bird.
Well, now that I think about it, maybe, sort of, but just a plain bird.

6.
Michael Jackson look-a-like:
this one my daughter picked out and it wasn't at church.
She was driving along I-15,
passed this woman in our ward and, bingo, it hit her.
She called to tell me.
We were very excited to add her to the list.
(After skin pigmentation altering in the Diana Ross category.)

7 -
Counselor in the Relief Society Presidency:
From the Dick Van Dyke show,
Mary Tyler Moore's (Laura Petrie) neighbor,
Millie Helper (husband Jerry).
How creepy for this person to surface
so many years after shows been canceled.
(Very short. Pursed lips with wide eyes. Scoots around.)

8 -
Former chorister: German nutcracker.
(Always stood so straight with shorter arms than normal
that he always stuck straight out to conduct.)
Awesomest look-a-like ever!

9 -
Counselor in the Bishopric:
Munchkin from the wizard of Oz.
(Short with shiny, puffy cheeks, balding and always smiling.)
Looks even more like a munchkin when he cries
and he cries, at the pulpit, over everything.

10 -
High Councilman:
Cabbage patch kid:
(Nice guy, but yee-ouch! Where do I start?
Bald, eyes that sit right on top of his way red, puffy cheeks.
I've always wanted to bump into him doing yard work,
to see if when he wears a T-shirt if part of his belly shows.)

K, so, who do you have in your Ward that looks like someone famous?
Should there be an annual LDS look-a-like contest?
Awesome!

BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN WAYS TO TIRE OUT CHILDREN IN PRIMARY

BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN WAYS TO TIRE OUT CHILDREN IN PRIMARY
by Bettyanne Bruin

Guaranteed to make children sit through all of Sharing Time, here are the top ten suggestions on how to help tire out children in Primary:

1 - Have children sing and do the actions for "Once There Was a Snowman," ten times.
2 - Have children sing and do the actions for "Do as I'm Doing," ten times.
3 - Have children sing and do the actions for "Fun to Do," ten times.
4 - Have children sing and do the actions for "Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes" ten times.
5 - Have children sing and do the actions for, "Popcorn Popping on the Apricot Tree," ten times.
6 - Have children sing and raise their scriptures in the air each time the word "scripture" is said during the song, "Scripture Power," and sing ten times.
7 - Have children sing and do all the actions for, "Book of Mormon Stories" and sing ten times.
8 - Even though they're not supposed to do this anymore, have the children sing and stand each time they say the word "sunbeam" in the song, "Jesus Wants Me For a Sunbeam," and do this ten times.
9 - Have children sing and stand each time they say hello in the "Hello Song," and sing song ten times.
10 - Have children sing and march all around the room while singing, "Follow the Prophet," ten times.