happyjellybeans

Streams of thought

2010-03-20T20:23:00.002-07:00

Streams of thought...

Wogging: I think I was running. I mean I actually really thought I was running, until it came time to stop. Reaching the end of the nine-mile run, I shifted from running to walking...and immediately noticed there was not one bit of change in my speed. Ouch. That's when I realized I was probably moving forward at a very slow pace. It's amazing how moving arms can make on feel like they're still running. There should be an active description of forward motion one makes when 54 years old, not in the best shape and a bit hammered from life, like jalking or wogging. The only thing I'm learning through all of this is that I am very, very stubborn. I WILL keep going and I WILL cross every line. Only 4.5 more miles to go and then the race and then I'm done. No more. It's all crocheting and watching television from here on out.

Rex E. Lee race: So Kristin and I had to run a 10k as part of our training for the 1/2 marathon. So, we picked the Rex E. Lee race held at BYU. I got up that morning, got dressed and looked in the mirror. "Great, I look like I smoke dope." I had on an American Flag bandana (this always makes one look like a biker or anti-war protester). It was going to be cold, so I had on some old, gray sweatpants with a rip in the knee, a tank top, long-sleeved running shirt and jacket. The only thing that gave me credibility was my $100 shoes. When Kristin and I got to the race, a cop looked at me like I was someone to keep an eye on. When I looked around the crowd gathered, I said to Kristin, "At the end of this race, if they honor me as the oldest person to ever run this race, I'm going to be pissed." Is it good news or bad news that I came in third in my division because there were only three women running in my division and the two women crossed the finish line 20 minutes before me?

Grandchild: "Gammy, gammy. De doctor."

Driving Daniel home from getting his wisdom teeth out: Daniel, pissed: "Mom, do you want to use my phone or not 'cause you've looked at it five times!" ( I never looked at his phone.) Daniel": "So did they need to put in any stitches?" Me: "Nope, no stitches and the teeth just came right out." Daniel pissed again: "And now I'm just supposed to get on with my life?"
Lesson learned: The guy only has a temper when he's really, realy high.

2009-11-27T11:03:00.002-07:00

Why Mormon Men are So Grumpy

1 -

Because Mormon men believe in the next life,

they pace themselves in this life--

there's plenty of time to have fun...

in the next life!

2 -

Because this life is a test

and tests aren't fun.

3 -

Because this life is meant to endure

and enduring is not fun.

4 -

Because if Mormon men are happy,

their friends and family might think they are too lighthearted

and if their friends and family think they are too lighthearted,

they might start smoking and drinking because of this.

5 -

Because men are that they might have joy

was only meant for those who lived

during Book of Mormon times.

6 -

Because having fun is not as rewarding

as feeling a sense of control over one's environment

by being grumpy.

7 -

Because they are preoccupied with the fact that they cannot sin

and possibly Mormon men would like to sin

if they really had the choice--

or at least this might be their perception.

8 -

Because the idea of having a wife and children

and grandchildren and great-grandchildren and so on,

really does bother them.

9 -

Because they never get what they really want,

which raises the question,

what do they really want?

10 -

Because, for them, being grumpy is so much more fun

than being happy!

Get Out With Your Hands Up

2009-06-28T15:36:00.002-07:00

So we had a garage sale yesterday. We had one last year too. So, thus the garage sale ad, "Second annual, multi-family garage sale."

No one buys junk like we do, no one sells junk like we do. No one.

So there we were:

Me
Kristin
Kylie
Kelsy
Jade
Malia
Daniel

and then the support team:

Kent
Randy
Asher
Jonathan
Basil
Ozzie
Brandon

First came the ad, then came the hauling of the junk together to merge all of our used treasures. But was it the treasures that made the garage sale or was if the money or the cleaning out of the houses and garages? No. It was and is always the experience, the culture, the laughs, and the people, like the man from South Pasadena.

We started setting up at 6 am, and we had great junk to sell. Kristin bet she would sell a game that sold last year for a dollar in about ten minutes. It went so fast last year that she priced the game for three dollars this year. I thought I put out some pretty great stuff: chairs, a table, a really cute lamp, baskets, an old wardrobe chest from the 20's, then I threw in 14 CDs of Twelve Dogs for Christmas and three felt-type throw quilts. The kids made fun of me for the CDs. "They'll never sell." "You're crazy."

This is the weird thing about garage sales. I couldn't give away the table, finally someone took the chairs for a dollar each, and the Twelve Dogs for Christmas? All 14 CDs sold within the first five minutes. And the felt throw quilts were gone in the blink of an eye.

And then there was the South Pas. dude. After this lady buys armloads of our junk, her 70+ year old husband comes up to me and while scanning the surrounding trees and bushes, he says, "I love this area."

Oh and let me mention, this is all taking place to the background music of our very own garage sale tribute to Michael Jackson. At this point, "Thriller" is playing.

I said, "Me too. It kind of reminds me of California where I came from."

He said, "Which part?"

I said, "South Pasadena. "

The man starts "chugging" his arm like a choo-choo train while cheering. "T-t-t-i-g. E-e-e-r-s. What's that spell? TIGERS!"

"Are you from South Pas too?"

"Sure am."

How does the universe work?

So we started naming all the hot spots found in South Pasadena and talked some more and then I thought I'd better get back to helping, so I asked Daniel to help me carry his stuff to his car. We picked up his stuff, then walked out to the curb only to find out his car was gone. After looking up and down the street, Kristin kind of whispered in a way that the man wouldn't hear, "His wife left without him."

Okay. This is new. I will remain calm.

Most of me was fine, but a part of me wondered if this was some kind of plan and then I started to feel a bit anxious.

What made matters worse was that the man could've cared less that he was abandoned. He didn't even seem bothered that we were talking about the fact that his car was gone. He just kept talking about South Pasadena to the point where I was sorry I had brought up the subject.

A few minutes later, his wife showed up and I must say, I was very happy; one never knows what can happen at a garage sale.

So after Mr. S.P left, the garage sale continued at it was a bit of pandemonium. People rummaged and bargained and near the end, things were really getting cleared out. Somehow someone remembered we have a bull horn. So Kels and her friend, Jade, got the megaphone and started saying, "Going out of business sale. All items must go. Everything 50 percent off."

Malia liked this idea. Always up for a good laugh, she went out in the street and started yelling into the megaphone, "We have everything -- doggie purse, kitty condo."

A car pulled up.

Malia looked at the driver and the passenger.

Like a cop, but jokingly, she said, "Come out with your hands up."

I looked up. I didn't think she planned this, but the couple getting out of the car looked like they had just escaped prison. They didn't stay long.

In the end, we cleaned up, Kristin and Daniel counted the money, the money was distributed to each garage sales rep and then we went on with our day as if nothing had ever happened.

Oh, and Kristin's $3.00 game?

Never sold.

But the pink and black fuzzy bow tie? Sold.

And the fuzzy tuxedo boxer shorts to go along with it? Sold

Graduation Day

2009-06-04T18:42:00.003-07:00

He's asleep right now, taking an early evening nap in preparation for an all nighter, filled with celebrations and festivities. And while he sleeps, I'll take a moment and ponder about him.

As I get older, one of the truest statements ever penned is contained in the words, "Time flies on wings of lightening."

It seems like only yesterday that he burst into this world and landed in the arms of five siblings.

I was told I would have a boy, and this was a good thing because four months before his birth, I overheard his oldest sister, 12-year-old, Kristin, say to her four-year-old sister, Hilary, "Mom says if she doesn't have a boy, we're going to have to get rid of you." Yes, I can still see Kristin, walking aside Hilary who seemed 1/3 the height of Kristin. I watched as Hilary looked up and stated to Kristin with the confidence of a mature adult, "They won't get rid of me...I'm the funny one."

The process of walking along this path of motherhood is amazing.

I remember after everyone left the hospital room on the day he was born. Sunlight beamed through the window and shined right upon him. A warmth surrounded him and emitted from him as well. I held him in my arms and the words of a promise came to my mind-- to promise Heavenly Father I'd do everything in my power to return him back "home" into His loving arms.

"And Mary kept these things in her heart." Not that he is the chosen one, or I am anywhere near Mary, but I do understand the thoughts and feelings of mothers keep their thoughts and feelings in their hearts.

He is calm, and he is fun. He is real and a really great communicator. We BOTH love sports and neither one of us will ever forget the nights I laid on his lower bunk bed and we named all of the NFL teams as he would point them out on a piece of gift wrap he had taped to the underside of the top bunk bed. More than the naming of the teams was the therapy of relaxing daily pressures and bonding.

He knows his feelings, shares his feelings and embraces life. He loves people, and is surprisingly talented with dance and theater, and surprised us all in the end by earning his Eagle, his seminary graduation certificate and now his high school diploma.

While sitting there in the audience, watching him in the sea of blue and orange cap and gowns below, he texted me. "I don't want to grow up," he wrote.

I wrote, "You'll be fine cause you've done such a good job already."

And now he's an alumni. No more homework, no more early morning wake-up calls and a unwritten future ahead.

I have been privileged to watch him grow and try to give some guidance along the way. And I feel privileged by all the guidance he has given me.

An era has ended. New beginnings are now his. It's days like this and times like this that I am so glad life is eternal because I never want any of these experiences or relationships to end.

Thank you, Daniel, for all that you have done right to get you to this day and I wish for you great experiences and successes, deeper wisdom and greater love. I'm excited for you to take this next journey in life and see what you create.

Bumper Stickers

2009-05-14T21:23:00.002-07:00

If I was really able to pick my profession, I confess... I wish, dream and daydream about being...
a bumper sticker author. Yes, I want to invent bumper stickers. They intrigue me. There soooo stupid. Seriously. Think about it the car was invented first, then the bumper had to be invented and then somehow, somewhere, someone thought of sticking a message to it. I love that. It's so weird. Why don't we have fence stickers or tree stickers or let's see what else could we stick a message to?

Wickipedia says bumper stickers were invented before WWII. They were first seen on a Ford Model A. Okay, I can accept that.

So I'm working on my inventory. How 'bout this one:

Life is harder for stupid people.

It really is. I am so stupid sometimes that I have to do the same thing over again 'cause I blew it so bad the first time. I always have to go back in the house and get something I forgot. Stubbing my toe is hard 'cause I'm stupid. I mean really, life is harder for stupid people.

Worse bumper sticker I ever heard about:

In Provo, my daughter saw a woman driving a car that had a bumper sticker on it with the Salt Lake Temple and the words, "Always worthy." I'm speechless.

Let's see, what else, "My grandkids are cuter than my own kids." Okay, okay, I didn't invent this, but I do believe it's true! Sorry kids.

So what about the person who has like a hundred bumper stickers on his or her old beat up car? Why? What happened? Who is this person?

I want to write more bumper stickers:

"Chocolate Makes The World Go Round"

Okay, stupid. But that's what bumper stickers are.

"My Ex is uglier than your Ex?" Sorry, couldn't resist. It's just seems like the perfect bumper sticker subject.

K, I'll think more 'cause I really want to do this. It's such a stupid mindset. And I think it would be awesome to have a kid go to school and have another kid ask, "So what does your mother do for a living?"

"Oh, she writes bumper stickers."

It just sounds good to me.

Assisted Livings are Where Its At!

2009-05-13T20:56:00.003-07:00

So, I work at an assisted living facility and it truly is the best job ever, ever, ever, forever and ever! Where else can you work where one person believes she "came from the sky" (her reference to once being rich), where another resident was blown out of his ship during WWII and spent three hours in the ocean waiting for someone to come and pick him up, where another resident served in the Hitler's army and the list goes on and on. Not only is every day different, every minute is a surprise. I went into a resident's room the other day to pass along some simple and quick information, walked in the room with this expectation in mind only to see her seated in her chair without her hearing aids. For the next five minutes, I shouted and repeated my message over and over again 'til she finally understood. We have THE BEST people in the world there. I call it a cruise ship 'cause we literally float through life with meals served, exercises, card games, then manicures, scenic drives and on and on. I just read today on cnn.com about a twenty-five-year-old pitcher for the Boston Orioles who's single and needed a place to live. Because he's so young and busy and can't clean or cook, where did he chose to live? Yes, an assisted living community! Awesome! I've always said they should build these structures for the busy, middle-aged people in mind.

At the end of June, we're taking our residents to Wendover. Every day, we discuss the basketball playoffs, we have a clepto, a person who just wants to get back to Wood Ridge, someone who eats omlettes for every meal every day, I just can't say enough. I smile each day as I drive to work, smile throughout the day at all of the variety and then exit the doors to go home with a smile on my face. I cannot believe I get paid for this!

As the marketer for this building, can I say we just reached the 100 percent mark; filled to the brim with residents. This is quite the feat for a marketer, but this was real team work. It's easy to sell this place cause the staff is so good and professional and fun.

If Hollywood wants entertainment, they should have a reality show at an assisted living facility. That's where the REAL action is! And romance too...

What Motherhood Has Taught Me

2009-05-10T05:44:00.009-07:00

What Motherhood Has Taught Me

About three years ago,
I pulled a gray hair out of my oldest son's head.
"That completes the baby book," I said.

My oldest son will be 33-years-old this year.
Time does fly on wings of lightening
and oh, what a ride it has been.

And to think that in high school,
I used to say I never wanted children.

Seven children later,
I cannot believe the journey
they have allowed me to travel.

So, in honor of them allowing me
to experience all of the best life has to offer,
I dedicate these next few thoughts to them.

Thank you, so much,
for all of the love, the laughter,
the incredible experiences in life,
the differences that led to understanding,
YOUR willingness to teach me
and help me
and lead me to understand
so much more about life
than I ever would have been able to understand
without you:

Jonathan,
Malia,
Kristin,
Gennie,
Hilary,
Daniel
and Kesly,

YOU ARE THE BEST!

And now:

What Motherhood Has Taught Me

That relationships are more important

than a spotlessly clean house.

That spit up really is harmless

and not something

to scream and jump over.

That love grows best

through giving and understanding.

That the biggest highs in life are found

in the simple things a child points out

in the simple words he or she speaks.

That children only care what you have to say

after they know you care about them first.

That the power to influence

is one of the most powerful privileges in life.

That there is nothing more fun

than having fun with your children.

That sacrifice is the most effective way

to grow personally.

That there is nothing more fulfilling,

after "another day on the job",

than knowing everyone is tucked into bed safely.

That a mother's job is indescribably insane.

That motherhood is also synonymous

with interesting words of love

like anxiety, worry, concern, and fear.

And that being able to face these challenges

and conquer them

leads to a greater understanding of faith and peace.

That the greatest reward I have experienced in my life

is in the privilege of being THEIR mom!

I love you all.

Mom

Thumbs Up!

2009-05-03T21:12:00.004-07:00

Thumbs Up!

So, the other night, Kristin and I were headed out the door to do something fun that we hadn't decided on yet, when I said, "Let me make us a quick chicken sandwich and then we can head out." She said, "Sounds good," and I went to the cupboard to grab a can of chicken.

I grabbed the manual can opener, hooked it onto the lip of the lid and started to turn the handle. It didn't seem to get that good of a grip, so I tried to jimmy it around a bit and eventually worked it around the entire lid, only to find out when I had finished the complete run of the lid that pieces of lid had been skipped over on the right and left sides of the lid. I tried running over them again and again, only to have them continue to remain attached to the rim of the lid.

Without much thought, I shifted into kid mode. I knew I could bend that lid, ever so carefully, just enough to pull the chicken out with a fork. The little guy on my left should said, "Yes, do it," while the little guy on my right shoulder said, "You can't do that, you idiot. Anyone who does that ALWAYS cuts their finger and usually needs stitches," then the left guy said, "No way! You're older and smarter now. It'll never happen."

So I carefully pushed just under the edge of the lid and started to bend the lid back, then zap!

Just like that, I knew cause I saw, that I had really, really, really, cut my thumb very, very badly.

"Let's go, Kristin," I said, holding my thumb together. "This one is bad."

Kristin grimaced, then said, "Okay, I'll take you to the doctor's... if you don't talk about your thumb at all or I will pass out."

I said, "Okay," and off we hauled to the doctors.

I kept holding my thumb. No blood really. I guess I had grabbed it quick enough and pressed it together good enough that maybe I had stopped the bleeding, or maybe it wasn't that bad afterall.

So, I looked.

"Hey," I said. "It doesn't..."

"No," said Kristin. "No talking about your thumb. I'm going to pass out."

I figured I'd drop the subject and wait til we got to the doctors and they could be the ones to make the final decision on just how bad the cut was.

We waited about an hour and a half, watched people put on masks, worried a little bit about getting the swine flu, and then we headed back to the examination room.

The doctor came in, took a look and said, "Yeah, you need stitches. But first, we'll have to give you a tetnus shot."

"I'm outa here," Kristin said.

"Where are you going?" I asked.

"I hate shots," Kristin said.

"You hate shots? You do not. You're the girl who used to bungie jump."

"That's true, but I don't do shots," and she walked out of the room.

They gave me the shot and in walked Kristin and sat down. Then, the doctor returned.

"Okay, let's take a look at that thing," the doctor said.

Kristin: "I'm outa here."

"Leaving again?" I said.

"Yep."

I couldn't believe it. And then it hit me. "Kristin, are you just worried about me? Are you thinking maybe I might faint or something? Because, really, I can handle this."

Kristin said, "Mom, seriously, I don't care about you. Really, I am going to faint if I don't leave," and again she left.

After the doctor stitched up the cut, she said, "Would you like a blue bandaid or a green or a red?"

I said, "Blue."

I thought it was a bandaid, but instead my thumb looked like I had stuck it in a pie and pulled out a plum.

When I returned home that night, Daniel said he was going to take me hitchhiking.

And, I totally learned something about my tough-skinned Kristin that night: she can jump from high platforms and swing in the air from side to side, ride motorcylces, shoot guns, ride horses, etc. but shots are definitely not her thing.

Six stitches later, we left the docs and that was the end of our very fun night. Life.

Daniel and the Ape

2009-04-28T20:44:00.003-07:00

I am now going to change my post. My kids all have their own blogs and I delight in reading them every day, but there really must be some rebuttal time. For instance, on Sunday. I was too sick to have dinner at my house, like we usually do, so my daughter had dinner at her house and then called me the next day with the highlights:

"So, we had a great time without you... and we trash-talked you too!"

I laughed, loving the idea that these guys definitely have "the Johnson gene" in them; they're crazy!

"And?" I asked.

"Yeah, like we were saying, 'so Mom thinks she's Heaven's gift to seniors."

(Explanation: I love seniors (adults) and work in an assisted living.)

"And what else?"

She had to think.

"Well, Kels said to Basil (my grandson), 'Gwammy (that's what they call me) says,' and then Kelsy lowered her voice to a base whisper, 'Hi.'" (I had laryngitis)

So, the night before, after running around all day...with laryngitis, I came home to find my 18-year-old, Daniel, had five super-enlarged lymph nodes behind his ear. Wow!

So, I took him to the doctor's. He didn't appear to be sick; he was still running amuck and downing fast food, but Daniel could have the swine flu and not miss a teenage best. But lymph nodes that large seemed a bit ominous, so off we hauled to urgent care. This might have been our first mistake.

Sorry, but the doc looked like a homeless, anorexic critter of another persuasian. It didn't help that when he walked in, he looked at the chart and said, "So I understand you have some type of mosquito bite."

I wasn't in the mood for this, so I burned my dry cough/laryngitis eyes into his and said, "Wrong patient."

He put his tail between his legs and snuck out of the room.

When he came back, he said a hearty hello, as if it was the first time he had seen us, and then mentioned he purposely did this, to try and see if he could engage us on a different wave length. Gosh, I wish I had been in the mood, but I at least tried to be civil.

He asked Daniel to open his mouth. "WOW!" the doc exclaimed. "His tonsils are humongous!"

I shook my head. In a monotone whisper, I stated, "He doesn't have tonsils. They removed them years ago."

The doc, still trying to reel me in, exclaimed. "Oh my gosh! His throat is trying to act like it's got tonsils!"

K, this did not work either. Silently, he gave us Daniel's prescription and we were outa there.

We get outside.

"Mom," Daniel said.

Oh wait. Let me explain. Daniel is a surprising 6'4", handsome, outgoing, happy, funny, lovable and has me wrapped around his baby finger.

He continued. "You're not driving."

"Why?" I asked.

"'Cause you acted like an ape in there."

"An ape?" I said, with hunched shoulders, peering up into his eyes.

"Yes, Mom, an ape. Now get in the car, you little ape, and let me drive. You're too sick."

"But how did I act like an ape?"

And then he pointed out how I had on black velvet pants, a black velvet jacket that made me look hunched over and how I had dragged my arms around the place, knocking over the pen, clipboard and all while breathing deep.

He actually was right, so I gave him the keys.

"Now, come on, you little ape, let's get you home," he said.

So, we get in the car, and then he continues. "Now, mom, you know you want to get little Daniel a little burger at Carl's Jr. Come on, Mom, you cute little ape. You know you do."

Why do my kids always make me laugh first and then get me to give them whatever they want?

And so he continued, all the way through Carl's Jrs. drive-thru, all the way thru him ordering his burger AND a drink to which I had forbidden him, all the way thru to him taking his first sip and saying, "Come on, Mom. You know you want to get your little Daniel this," and he did.

Kids.

Oh, and Krick, stay tuned. You're next.

TOP TEN WORST THINGS ABOUT MOVING INTO A NEW WARD

2009-01-15T06:45:00.004-07:00

Top Ten Worst Things About Moving Into a New Ward
by Bettyanne Bruin

1.
For about five years,
you are "out" while everyone else is "in".

2.
This is when you run the highest risk
of being called into the nursery.

3.
You will, most likely,
have to give a talk in sacrament meeting...
unless your first name is Kristin.

4.
Because of the unspoken reserved seating in the chapel,
you have no idea which one pew is available
for your family to sit on in sacrament meeting.

5.
You now have to listen in Sunday School
rather than looking around the room
and projecting what's probably happening
in the lives of every other person in class.

6.
Trying to convince yourself that
the sea of fake smiles
that constantly approaches you
really is real.

7.
When you and/or your spouse
bump into that old flame
or the relative of that old flame.

8.
Trying to figure out which of the many odd groups
you will end up hanging out with and,
until you figure this out,
realizing you have to be nice to all of them.

9.
Hoping your first comment in Sunday School
helps you fit in
and not alienate you even more.

10.
The overwhelming fear that one day
your bishop will call and say,
"You seem like nice people,
however we prefer
you not attend
our ward anymore."

COMING SOON TO A STAKE NEAR ME

2008-09-21T14:57:00.002-07:00

COMING SOON TO A STAKE NEAR ME
by Bettyanne Bruin

Our Ward announced last Sunday that the ward boundaries within our stake would be realigned. The meeting is scheduled for next Sunday at 4:15 p.m, and thus triggered the very-much-frowned-upon-but-very-much ignored rampant rumors.

Ah, Mormons. We're so interestingly obedient, so tempted and so willing to yield. We're so "in the world and not of it, yet of it, but not too much of it, but still very much of it."

For instance, I'm in Primary today, minding my own business. Kid leans over to me. "My dad told me all the changes coming up in the ward boundaries." He even took on the tone of an adult in pure ward boundary change wonderment. This kid's dad is in the bishopric, so rule number one: never tell your Primary child "the news" because it feels so good to tell, because even they will be in certain circles where they will reveal this type of supposedly Fort Knox, secure information.

So, now I know we will no longer be attending our usual ward building, which is referred to as The Barbie Ward, I think because it is so small. As opposed to the Fourth Ward, which I refer to as "The Plastic Ward," because of all the plastic surgery, or another ward in our stake that I refer to as, The Toupee Ward, well, because you can guess why.

So, now I just learned, as my husband descended down the stairs after visiting from another member of the bishopric, that our ward boundaries will not change much, just a part of another ward will be moved into our ward. This is awesome. These people should apply for jobs as Washington leakers. Oh well, 'cause I'm really looking forward to the move now because I've run out of all the look-a-likes I can find, and I'm pretty sure there's going to be some really great Pamela Sue Andersons or that ditz that married the old man--ah, yes, my husband just pegged it for me when I asked: Anna Nicole Smith. Hurry, bring 'em on. And I'll let you know how close these pre-revelations really are to the real thing when we find out next Sunday, also now known as Funday.

K, so this week was the best: Personally speaking, Gen, this one is for you:

So, my daughter, Hilary was asked to teach an Enrichment Night class, to which she became VERY nervous because she was intimidated by so many of the sisters in this ward. So much for acceptance and sisterhood. So, anyway, she asked me to attend as sort of like her bodyguard or something, which was totally fine. I actually do love this ward and don't feel intimidated. Hilary probably only does because she's still so young and impressionable, where I am 53 and totally fine with who I am, no matter what circle I'm in. My white trash trunk always with me, I'm good to go anywhere.

So, anyway, I took a seat on one of the back rows, next to an old friend of mine. I glanced around the room, as we all do, to make sure a general authority or the wife of an old boyfriend is not in attendance, to which there wasn't ...but wait.... lo an behold, what do my bloodshot eyes see, but a "chick" seated on the row in front of me. Yes, that one, with the sugar-spun blonde hair. No way. Can't be! NO WAY! I lean over to the sister next to me. "Um, see that lady in the row in front of us... all the way to the left... seated in the last seat of that row?"
"Yes," she whispers.
"Is she in the ward?" I ask, paying closer attention to my full bladder.
"Yes," my friend says. "She just moved in."
NO FREAKIN' WAY!
K, so let's go back. If Gen is 24, then this was eleven years ago.
Gen and I are driving along, in another one of our long lines of beat up fifteen passenger vans, as I drive her to school. Cruising along Alta Canyon Drive, we pass a low-riding maroon and white Corvette with the license plate that has the word "Sugar" printed in big letter on it, and I suddenly enter a new phase of my life: Sugar is now on Earth in living color. I did not know this before this exact moment.
I look at Gen. "Did you see that?"
Better than the name, the woman driving the car looks like pure sugar, if you know what I mean. And that made this all the better. In my wildest dreams, somewhere, somehow, I would have LOVED to have been sugar for a moment myself, but I liked football and camping too much, so that category was never a part of my real life. So I say to Gen, "Lookie there, Sugar just passed us in living, driving color."
And, from this moment on Gen and I had a non-spoken pact: Every time we passed Sugar, we acknowledged it. Always a surprised, everyone once in a while when we least expected it, sure enough Sugar passed us, and it was sugar cane sweet!
"There goes Sugar!" Gen would declare and somehow mutually we knew it would be a great day and it was. I think, from that point, on there was always an eye out for Sugar, just in case.
And then it would happen: We'd pass Sugar and silence would sometimes even prevail as we began to reverence this moment. Always the same, always sweet, Sugar was a form of world stability for us in her own sweet and simple way.
Just think about it: Sugar. Can't you feel it?
So there I was, sitting quietly in my seat in this Enrichment Night and before me, just six feet away, in real life, is Sugar. Ha! What are the chances? Heaven is so awesome and filled with surprises, which is why I love Earth.
I am so jazzed at this point that I start whispering my whole Sugar story to my friend. She doesn't seem to be as mesmerized by this strange phenomenon as me, so I decided I cannot rely on the arm of her flesh and I begin to make a plan... to meet Sugar. After the class, I find my way over to her. "Hi," I say. "My name is Bettyanne Bruin. I used to be in this ward and I hear you have just moved in. That's wonderful."
I am always so checked into my seventh grade inner brat.
"Yes, I did," says Sugar sweetly. I look at her hair. It is sweetly spun in it's overbleached blonde way, set in place like it has been sprayed with Karo syrup. Her clothes are also very sugary in their professional business suit/tramp sort of way. And her voice is very soft and sweet to match. Oh, and she weighs about 90 pounds. And I am so dadblameit proud of myself for stepping up to the dessert plate on this one. "Well, it's nice to meet you. And where did you say you live?"
She smiles and I know it's going to be a good day tomorrow. "Oh, we just bought my father-in-laws house."
"That's awesome," I say. "And who's your father-in-law?"
And then she told me.
Oh, Vieve! Where are you when I need you most? I cannot post his name, but think, think back. He was a former librarian in the ward, loves country western dancing and lives in a white house across the street from our house...with a gym! Yes! Sugar is his offspring's wife! Isn't that the best info on Earth so far? Don't you love it? Don't die, Vieve! Don't pee your pants! Just love it 'cause this is the real stuff life is really made of here on Earth.
And thank you, Sugar, for the confection layer you've always added to my life. I didn't have the guts to really push my inner brat on her and ask if she still drove her corvette.

More:

This reminds me of last year:

A new man moved into our ward and immediately my husband hated him with a passion, which was really fun. Because this type of hatred is made of pure male passion, which is hard to find--that male hatred that some men have for a man like this because a man like this is a bragger which most men have to fight so hard to not be, so when they find one that gets away with it, they don't know what to do but HATE him with a passion! Fro instance, this male bragger has been known to state such stuff as "While I was in the BISHOPRIC of my old ward, while reading THE STANDARD WORKS one day, following my DAILY PRAYER, after buying NEW JET SKIIS from my MILLION_DOLLAR company" etc.
So, anyway, this man bugged my husband so much that I decided I had to do something about this. I had to help my husband, Kent, face this trial head on. So, because I was on the ward activities committee, I thought it might be fun and advantageous and kind of a personal Christmas present to Kent if I orchestrated having this bragger man MC our Ward's Christmas party.
One month later, Bingo!
The night of the party, as the program began, I leaned over to my husband and said, "Merry Christmas, honey. This one's for you." And out stepped Braggerman. It was priceless and I inhaled every minute of it. "Brothers and Sisters, I'm honored to be your MC for the night. While in Denver, as a member of the Bishopric and a leader in the community, I had many chances to MC events and I've humbly appreciated each offer that's come my way."
Sometimes, I envision ringing a bell every time a ward member is caught bragging within an "air of humility".

Tah-tah for now!

Yes, Gen, Kels loved the scrapbook fair. I have seen every item she's purchased, one by one and tried to cheer for each one. She totally cried when I took her to school on Friday for fear she would miss the event. Even Kent stepped in on this one, making sure to deliver her to the front steps of the Expo.

BREAKING NEWS: LDS WARD LOOK-A-LIKES

2008-06-23T07:32:00.004-07:00

BREAKING NEWS: LDS WARD LOOK-A-LIKES
by
Bettyanne Bruin

I'm not sure what the disease is called, but I think I have it. Weird thing is, I always have had this disease. Without question, nine times out of ten, whenever I see someone, anyone, I don't see them for who they really are, physically. I always see them for who they look like. And I believe I've gotten pretty good at pegging a die-hard Jack Nicholson, Mickey Rooney, and a close George Clooney in past and current wards. Through my years of identity savantness, I have found most of the characters from the Wizard of Oz, the genie from Alladin, Ronald McDonald and Bozo; you name it, I've found it. This became quite the craze with my kids and actually helped them be more reverent in Sacrament meeting, as we sat there, through the years, pegging people:

1 -
Former Bishop: Genie from Alladin,
he had the upside down mouth/smile and the eyes.

2 -
Former Relief Society chorister: cowardly lion
(mostly for the hair and the wrinkles around her eyes);
former Activities chair (a woman): tin woodsman
(her shiny make-up and gray funnel hair);
former magazine rep: scarecrow
(skinny guy with a skinny face and the exact same mouth).

3 -
Former chorister (a woman): Ronald McDonald
(total red hair worn just the same as Ronald. Drives a bright red car. );
the interesting thing here is she's married to Bozo
(obviously a bald guy, except for the toilet-seat-
white-hair wrapped around his head).
Very strange.

4 -
Not one, but two men: raccoons.
(Both had heavy foreheads that hung way over their eyes with a unibrow)

5 -
Older man,
was never sure what he did in the ward, wandered alot,
but he looked just like a big huge owl.
(Heaviest forehead ever seen with one gigantic unibrow
and a very prominent nose between two big eyes.)
I always wondered what he looked like as a kid
and could only figure he HAD to have looked like an owl then too.
No, his wife did not look like a bird.
Well, now that I think about it, maybe, sort of, but just a plain bird.

6.
Michael Jackson look-a-like:
this one my daughter picked out and it wasn't at church.
She was driving along I-15,
passed this woman in our ward and, bingo, it hit her.
She called to tell me.
We were very excited to add her to the list.
(After skin pigmentation altering in the Diana Ross category.)

7 -
Counselor in the Relief Society Presidency:
From the Dick Van Dyke show,
Mary Tyler Moore's (Laura Petrie) neighbor,
Millie Helper (husband Jerry).
How creepy for this person to surface
so many years after shows been canceled.
(Very short. Pursed lips with wide eyes. Scoots around.)

8 -
Former chorister: German nutcracker.
(Always stood so straight with shorter arms than normal
that he always stuck straight out to conduct.)
Awesomest look-a-like ever!

9 -
Counselor in the Bishopric:
Munchkin from the wizard of Oz.
(Short with shiny, puffy cheeks, balding and always smiling.)
Looks even more like a munchkin when he cries
and he cries, at the pulpit, over everything.

10 -
High Councilman:
Cabbage patch kid:
(Nice guy, but yee-ouch! Where do I start?
Bald, eyes that sit right on top of his way red, puffy cheeks.
I've always wanted to bump into him doing yard work,
to see if when he wears a T-shirt if part of his belly shows.)

K, so, who do you have in your Ward that looks like someone famous?
Should there be an annual LDS look-a-like contest?
Awesome!

2008-06-22T21:02:00.001-07:00

BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN WAYS TO TIRE OUT CHILDREN IN PRIMARY

2008-03-12T20:49:00.003-07:00

BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN WAYS TO TIRE OUT CHILDREN IN PRIMARY
by Bettyanne Bruin

Guaranteed to make children sit through all of Sharing Time, here are the top ten suggestions on how to help tire out children in Primary:

1 - Have children sing and do the actions for "Once There Was a Snowman," ten times.
2 - Have children sing and do the actions for "Do as I'm Doing," ten times.
3 - Have children sing and do the actions for "Fun to Do," ten times.
4 - Have children sing and do the actions for "Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes" ten times.
5 - Have children sing and do the actions for, "Popcorn Popping on the Apricot Tree," ten times.
6 - Have children sing and raise their scriptures in the air each time the word "scripture" is said during the song, "Scripture Power," and sing ten times.
7 - Have children sing and do all the actions for, "Book of Mormon Stories" and sing ten times.
8 - Even though they're not supposed to do this anymore, have the children sing and stand each time they say the word "sunbeam" in the song, "Jesus Wants Me For a Sunbeam," and do this ten times.
9 - Have children sing and stand each time they say hello in the "Hello Song," and sing song ten times.
10 - Have children sing and march all around the room while singing, "Follow the Prophet," ten times.

BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN LDS COSTUME IDEAS FOR HALLOWEEN

2007-10-29T20:09:00.000-07:00

Monday, October 29, 2007

BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN LDS COSTUME IDEAS FOR HALLOWEEN

TOP TEN LDS COSTUME IDEAS FOR HALLOWEEN
by
Bettyanne Bruin

1 - Sick nursery kid (don't forget the runny nose!)
2 - Scout after falling off the stage at a scouting activity
3 - Home Teacher (stays home instead of going Trick or Treating)
4 - Mother after saying goodbye to her missionary at the MTC
5 - Young woman after girl's camp (don't forget the campfire scent)
6 - Member of the church after stuffing himself the Saturday night before Fast Sunday
7 - A dead ancestor
8 - Mother with a Monday morning LDS hangover
9 - Father on the night of his 16-year-old daughter's first date
10 - Emergency preparedness specialist (don't forget the bird flu mask)

Breaking News: Top Ten Talks That Should Never Be Given

2007-07-09T13:26:00.000-07:00

Breaking News: Top Ten Talk that Should Never be Given
by Bettyanne Bruin

I was once in a ward where a man gave a talk on empathizing with Satan. I don't recall there ever being a quieter chapel, as everyone sat there... stunned. His talk include such ideas as, poor, poor Satan, that it must have been so hard for him to fight against the plan, what it might have been that was really bothering him and how we should have empathy for ALL of our brothers and sisters, including Satan. This has prompted the following list:

Top Ten Other Talks that Should Never be Given in Church:

1 - Can Tobacco Be All Bad if it Has Medicinal Purposes?

2 - The Pros and cons of paying tithing

3 - Because I have enough faith, I will never need anti-anxiety medications

4 - I Lost 100 Pounds Drinking Coca Cola

5 - In lieu of testimony, playing an Oakrigdge Boys song (this actually happened in a ward I was in also)

6 - Expressing gratitude for extended life after suffering a brain aneurysm while have intimate relations with spouse (this was also true in the same ward) and he explained in detail how this happened. I covered the ears of the child next to me!

7 - After Reading all of Isaiah, I Believe I Know the actual day the Second Coming will Arrive

8 - I Never Do My Home Teaching and Yet I Still Feel Blessed

9 - Because I got my husband sent home from his mission, he got a great job he would have missed out on

10 - How Spending So Much on Food STorage made us lose our home.

BREAKING NEWS: HJB IS BACK!!!

2007-05-29T19:13:00.000-07:00

BREAKING NEWS: HJB IS BACK!!!
by Bettyanne Bruin

KKK. Oops. I should probably just say, K,K. I have been swamped, but I've had a blast. I've been working, fulfilling some media relations obligations with a few film companies:

Believe, a movie that is a spoof on multi-level marketing. This is NOT a MLM bashing movie, but a "Let's have a good laugh at ourselves," film. I think Loki Mulholland did a great job on this film and was a super guy to work with.

I'm also having fun working with Chris Heimerdinger on Passage to Zarahemla, another film that I think was done very well, has a great adventure and provides an interesting, entertaining story line about the Book of Mormon. Has a great super effects guy: Steve Sobisky, who worked on Shrek, ANTZ and other movies as a member of the DreamTeam. He is fantastic! And Bruce Wing, the props guy who collects incredible props, Shari Ohman who has done costuming for countless Church-produced films and other LDS and non-LDS films, the wonderfully talented Summer Naomi Smart, Alex Petrovitch, Brian Kary, the list goes on and on. Today, I spoke with Bryce Chamberlain, who played the father in Man's Search for Happiness and now plays the grandfather in Passage to Zarahemla. That was awesome!!! Who would have thought, when I was sixteen and so affected by that film that it changed my life (cheesy, but true) that today I would have the privilege of personally thanking him.

I'm also working with Kieth Merrill and Peter Rancie's new studio, AAMPS, otherwise known as Audience Alliance Motion Picture Studios. Wow, what an experience this has been as well. All I can say is, there is SO MUCH TALENT in the LDS community !!! I have truly felt in awe of these people. They are all incredible. Kieth is so awesome and such a gentleman and a gentle man. Peter is so great. I love his g'days (he's from Australia) and he's a real mover and a shaker and has a determined focus on using his time and energy to give back to the community what he believes the community is seeking: movies that are high quality and filled with moral integrity. Way to go, Peter!

I am also a correspondent for the Salt Lake Tribune's Close-up section, an online editor for Writer's Literary, a freelance writer for Utah Spirit magazine, a Mia Maid Advisor, a vacationeer, a lover of fun and variety, a David Letterman addict, and a collector of strange LDS happenings, sightings, stories, happenings, etc. because I LOVE our community; the uniqueness, the insanity, the charity, the ups and the downs, the famous, the not-so-famous, etc.

So, here goes:

Possibly the Only Top Ten Strange Things That Could Only Happen in Utah: (Unless YOU have some!!!)

1 - A bumper sticker on a car in Provo with a picture of the Salt Lake Temple on it and the words: I am always worthy.

2 - A woman on the local news who gave the local traffic report, then accidentally closed her on-air, live report, "In the name of...." (I think you can find this on YouTube.)

3 - A sacrament meeting where a man played, "Oh My Father," on his saw. (I think the Church came out with stricter guidelines the next week for Sacrament meeting musical contributions.)

4 - A man (many might know) who thought it would be a great attention getter to yell really loud as the introduction to his Sacrament Meeting talk and, in so doing, made a young girl seated in the middle of the chapel throw up. (And seeing everyone scramble to help clean up the mess, while the man, not knowing what happened, continued on with his talk.)

5 - Walking into the chapel for the Children's Sacrament Meeting and seeing two seven-year-old boys standing next to the pulpit choking each other and learning one of them was my son.

6 - In the Summer, the people standing in line for a snow cone at a snow cone booth is longer than the lines waiting to get a drink at a bar. (My non-LDS brother, from California, could not believe this!)

7 - The signs posted on homes throughout Utah that read, "Welcome Home Elder." (Or Sister)

8 - That the candy aisle fills a complete aisle and the beer covers a small corner, where in California, it is totally the opposite.

9 - One of my favorites: Seeing families picnicking on top of graves while children run around and play, and cars create traffic jams in all of the cemeteries on Memorial Day

10 - A school bus filled with children singing Popcorn Popping on the Apricot Tree during a school field trip (even the teachers were singing). This just happened last week.

Crazy.

Feel free to comment with your own sightings.

BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN SIDE EFFECTS FROM WATCHING GENERAL CONFERENCE

2007-04-02T10:46:00.000-07:00

BREAKING NEWS:
TOP TEN SIDE EFFECTS
FROM WATCHING GENERAL CONFERENCE:
By Bettyanne Bruin

1 -Weight gain from eating so many snacks and family meals.

2 - Sensitive eyes from spending so much time watching television.

3 - Paper cuts from too much scrapbooking while watching GC.

4 - Tired arms from playing too many hand held video games.

5 - Marital distress because women in the family spent
too much money at Deseret Book
while men were at priesthood meeting.

6 - Leftover aggravation from spending two whole days with family.

7 - Numb backsides from sitting for so long.

8 - Bruises from family dog pile.

9 - Aching legs from lack of walking around for two days straight.

10 - Guilt from already having broken commitment
to cut down on swearing and forgiving others more.

BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN NEW LDS TAX WRITE-OFFS

2007-03-23T15:17:00.000-07:00

BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN
NEW LDS TAX WRITE-OFFS
by
Bettyanne Bruin

1 - Weddings!
2 - Visual aids
3 - Handouts
4 - Food eaten while listening to/watching
General Conference
5 - Food eaten at restaurants in
conjunction with Fast Sunday
6 - BYU sports paraphernalia
7 - Baby shower gifts
8 - Scrapbooking supplies
9 - Mileage to and from all church
activities and meetings
10 - Expenses surrounding mission
farewells: food, new carpet, new
clothes, manicures

(I thought you might want to, finally, see a
photo of my husband and me!)

BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN LDS SAINTS

2007-03-16T11:53:00.001-07:00

In honor of St. Patty's Day (our family's favorite holiday -- go corned beef!) :

TOP TEN SAINTS IN THE LDS CHURCH
by Bettyanne Bruin

1 - Saint Coke
2 - Saint Pepsi
3 - Saint Hershey
4 - Saint Creative Keepsakes
5 - Saint Refillable cups/Big Gulp
6 - Saint Hometown Buffet
7 - Saint Costco
8 - Saint Wendover
9 - Saint Funeral Potatoes
10 - Saint Fry Sauce

BREAKING NEWS: HI MIA MAIDS

2007-03-14T19:16:00.000-07:00

Top Ten Things That Young Women Love to Talk About

1 - Boys

2 - Righteous Boys

3 - Righteous Handsome Boys

4 - Righteous Handsome Intelligent Boys

5 - Is there such a thing as Righteous Handsome Intelligent Boys

6 - Chivalrous boys

7 - Humble boys

8 - Is there such a thing as humble boys

9 - Where have all the good boys gone?

10 - Chocolate muffins

BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN WAYS TO PROMOTE GOOD SPORTMANSHIP AMONGST LDS BASKETBALL PLAYERS

2007-02-19T21:39:00.000-07:00

TOP TEN WAYS TO PROMOTE
GOOD SPORTMANSHIP
AMONGST LDS BASKETBALL PLAYERS
by Bettyanne Bruin

1 -
Have an opening prayer.

2 -
Post a religious picture.

3 -
Have a referee say, "Keep it clean."

4 -
Have opposing players shake hands.

5 -
Post a smiley face above basketball hoops.

6 -
Read the 13th Article of Faith.

7 -
Have a moment of silence
with emphasis on
visualizing good behavior.

8 - Spotlight players to
bring out positive attributes.

9 - Serve refreshments.

10 - Hire a cop to read
the statute on
assault and battery.

BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN THINGS THAT CAN BE MADE FROM A SACRAMENT MEETING PROGRAM

2007-02-12T12:27:00.000-07:00

BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN THINGS
THAT CAN BE MADE FROM
A SACRAMENT MEETING PROGRAM :
By Bettyanne Bruin

1
Paper airplane

2
Cootie catcher

3
Drinking cup

4
Paper football

5
Bird

6 Hat

7
Bracelet

8
Fan

9
Horn

10
Confetti

BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN SIGNS OF A LDS MONDAY MORNING HANGOVER

2007-01-29T11:00:00.001-07:00

BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN SIGNS OF A
LDS MONDAY MORNING HANGOVER

by
Bettyanne Bruin

1 - EYES:
Swollen from too much napping.

2 - BACK:
Painful from too much time spent
laying on the couch.

3 - NECK:
Stiff from awkward sleeping position
in Sacrament Meeting.

4 - ANKLES:
Swollen from sitting for three hours straight.

5 - STOMACH:
Queezy from too many layers of junk food.

6 - HEAD:
Aches from too many hours spent with
immediate and extended family.

7 - MOUTH:
Hurts from too much smiling.

8 - BRAIN:
Cramped out of restraint from
expressing true feelings.

9 - THROAT:
Sore from yelling at everyone to be quiet
so TV can be heard.

10 - EARS
Tired from having to listen
to so many people talk
about stuff that's actually
not all that interesting.

DEATHLY BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN FAVORITE GENEAOLOGIST SAYINGS

2007-01-24T17:00:00.000-07:00

DEATHLY BREAKING NEWS:
TOP TEN FAVORITE
GENEALOGIST SAYINGS

by
Bettyanne Bruin

1 -
Over all of your ancestor's dead bodies!

2 -
What the endless freakin'
research are you doing?

3 -
If your great, great, great, great
grandmother heard that, she'd...!

4 -
I'll bet your great, great, great, great
grandfather just rolled over in his grave!

5 -
That's about as believable as
somebody findin' the 1890 census!

6 -
Somebody ought to take that family chain and ...!

7 -
You think that's hard,
you should try finding your Great, Great Uncle Charlie
in the entire state of Tennessee.

8 -
That is more "out there" than
discovering your great grandfather was a medicine man!

9 -
Stop beatin' everything to death!

10 -
It's not like it's the end of the world!

BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN GOOD THINGS ABOUT THE EARLY TO THE LATE SCHEDULE

2007-01-22T08:08:00.000-07:00

BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN GOOD THINGS
ABOUT THE LATE SCHEDULE
by
Bettyanne Bruin

1 -
You get to sleep in.

2 -
You get to stay in your pajamas until 1 p.m.

3 -
Because Mormons tend to sin more as the Sabbath Day wears on,
there's less opportunity to sin.

4 -
You can go into a deeper sleep during Sacrament meeting.

5 -
You can go into a deeper a nap during Sunday School.

6 -
You can go into a deeper nap during the third hour.

7 -
It's warmer out in the winter.

8 -
You get to sit in an air conditioned building
during the summer.

9 -
The most boring part of the Sunday TV schedule
is during your church time.

10 -
You look more relaxed than the
early schedule people who are leaving the building.

BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN LDS NEW SCRAPBOOK PHRASEOLOGIES

2007-01-15T12:23:00.000-07:00

TOP TEN LDS SCRAPBOOKER'S
NEW PHRASEOLOGIES
(Dedicated to the vieve)

by

Bettyanne Bruin

1 -
Scrapbooker's new swear word:
What the scrapbook is going on here?

2 -
Fear of scrapbooking:
Scrapbookaphobia

3 -
Medical condition of raw fingers
from scrapbooking too long:
Scrapbookitus

4 -
Person who is addicted to scrapbooking:
Scrapbookaholic

5 -
Person who looks too long at
scrapbooking items on the internet:
Scrapbook porn

6 -
The official removal of scrapbooking from your life:
A scrapbookectomy

7 -
The incredible stress relief
found as a result of scrapbooking:
Scrapbook therapy

8 -
Really great scrapbooking:
Scrapbookelicious!

9 -
Disorder that comes as a result of
inability to scrapbook:
Post Traumatic Scrapbook Disorder

10 -
Place where all scrapbookers believe they will go
after this life is over:
Scrapbook Heaven

BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN LDS LICENSE PLATE FRAMES

2007-01-09T20:47:00.000-07:00

BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN LDS LICENSE FRAMES:
DRIVING UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF...
by Bettyanne Bruin

1:
DRIVING UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF CHOCOLATE

2:
DRIVING UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF DIET COKE

3.
DRIVING UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF CHILDREN

4:
DRIVING UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF THE SCRIPTURES

5:
DRIVING UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF PRAYER

6:
DRIVING UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF CHOOSING THE RIGHT

7.
DRIVING UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF MY ANCESTORS

8.
DRIVING UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF SCRAPBOOKING

9.
DRIVING UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF TEN SCOUTS

10.
DRIVING UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF
PREPARING MY SUNDAY SCHOOL LESSON

2007-01-03T16:24:00.000-07:00

TOP TEN NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS
LDS PEOPLE HAVE ALREADY BROKEN:
(by Bettyanne Bruin)

1. Exercise daily.

2. Read scriptures daily.

3. Pray daily.

4. Eat less chocolate.

5. Cut down on soda.

6. Be nicer.

7. Be calmer.

8. Eat less food.

9. Watch less television.

10. Don't worry so much/have more faith.

2006-11-29T09:36:00.000-07:00

I’m still trying to get my blog up and running. My computer will not allow me to blog BECAUSE IT’S BRAND NEW! (The caps on that comment will make sense after you read my latest entry posted below). But, anyway, I hope everyone had a Happy Thanksgiving.

Top Ten Things LDS People Love to Brag/Whine About:

1 – It’s so horrible, I HAVE WRITTEN IN MY JOURNAL EVERY DAY SINCE 1962 and I can’t find the kind of journal books I like to write in any more.

2 – I am sooooo tired. I have just canned 40 JARS OF PEACHES. I can’t believe I could be so stupid to ever think I could do such a thing.

3 – Can you believe how much tithing we pay? I mean LAST YEAR ALONE I PAID $20,000 IN TITHING!

4 – I love my Young Women’s calling, even though I had to STAY UP ALL NIGHT to make twenty pairs of pajama bottoms for every girl that’s going to camp. Can you believe that? We’ve got twenty girls going to camp!

5 – This week I HAVE to teach Gospel Doctrine, plus give a talk in Sacrament Meeting and say a prayer in RS/PH. I sure hope I don’t get laryngitis!

6 – I can’t believe how much money I spend on stupid little postage stamps each month. WRITING 10 MISSIONARIES can actually be expensive!

7 – Feel how heavy this scripture bag is. BY THE TIME I BRING MY SCRIPTURES AND ALL OF THE SUPPORTIVE MATERIAL I READ EACH WEEK FOR THE CLASSES I ATTEND, this thing weighs about 10 pounds! No wonder I have back problems.

8 – WE HAVE SO MUCH FOOD STORAGE that we’re thinking about BUILDING A NEW GARAGE. It’s amazing how much food storage a family needs WHEN A FAMILY’S REALLY PREPARED.

9 – It’s amazing how many bruises I get each week playing basketball. I DIDN’T EVEN GET THIS MANY WHEN I PLAYED FOR OKLAHOMA STATE!

10 – I had so many dishes to do after Thanksgiving BECAUSE WE HAVE SUCH A LARGE FAMILY!!!

SUNDAY SCHOOL BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN THINGS LDS PEOPLE THINK ABOUT DURING SUNDAY SCHOOL CLASS

2006-10-24T10:51:00.000-07:00

Top Ten Things LDS People
Think About During
Sunday School Class:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 – How long the teacher spent preparing the lesson.
2 – How much the teacher’s outfit may have cost
and where he or she bought it.
3 – What they’re going to have for lunch
and if they’re out of bread.
4 – Who’s winning the NFL game.
5 – What are the chances of really making it
into the Celestial kingdom.
6 – Who, in the class, might have committed
the biggest sin during the week and what it was.
7 – Who sets up the chairs
and how often do they clean them
8 – What is that spot on the floor from?
9 – Where are we, in the order of the signs
of the last days, and how long do we have
before the Second Coming really arrives?
10 – Why did they decide to wallpaper this room blue?

FAMILY HOME EVENING BREAKING NEWS: OFFICIAL FAMILY HOME EVENING ASSIGNMENTS

2006-10-17T15:20:00.000-07:00

OFFICIAL FAMILY HOME EVENING ASSIGNMENTS
By Bettyanne Bruin

1 – FHE Opening Prayer
2 – FHE Lesson
3 – FHE Closing Prayer
4 – FHE Refreshments
5 - FHE Referee/Mediator
6 – FHE Phone Monitor
7 – FHE Official Timekeeper
8 – FHE Remote Control Hider
9 – FHE Activity Emergency Medical Technician
10 – FHE Keep-the-Family-Awake Specialist

COLUMBUS BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN LDS DISCOVERIES

2006-10-05T14:15:00.000-07:00

COLUMBUS BREAKING NEWS:
TOP TEN LDS DISCOVERIES
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 - A lot can be accomplished on the last day of the month.

2 - Getting hit by a folding chair, during a basketball game, really hurts.

3 - There is no such thing as a good looking ancestor.

4 - Cheerios are just as good eaten dry.

5 - Refreshments can make any event a success.

6 - Scrapbooking costs as much as a home mortgage

7 - Scouting is only for the completely insane.

8 - Sunday School is mostly intended to keep Mormons from breaking the Sabbath.

9 – Ten kids in one room for two hours can actually cause germs to grow.

10 – Certain male tones, sustained long enough, can cause anyone to fall asleep

2006-09-27T15:53:00.000-07:00

THANK YOU, HAPPYJELLYBEAN READERS!!!

I have thoroughly enjoyed
doing this website and
appreciate your visits.
Someone e-mailed me recently
to tell me there was an
anti-Mormon ad on this site.
That's horrible and I do apologize!
My intention is only to have fun
with the church that has made my life
as fun and wonderful as it is.
I wrote google and asked them
to remove this ad.
If this continues, please let me know.
The fun WILL continue!
Thanks for being who you are.
Because of your visits happyjellybeans
has topped the 20,000 hit mark!

GENERAL CONFERENCE BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN SOUVENIRS TO TAKE HOME FROM GENERAL CONFERENCE

2006-09-27T15:38:00.000-07:00

TOP TEN SOUVENIRS
TO TAKE BACK HOME
FROM GENERAL CONFERENCE
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 -

A set of polygamist

nesting dolls.

2 -

A mug that says,

“Eat, drink and be merry

for tomorrow you could be

at Scout Camp.”

3 -

A snow dome with people inside

lined up outside

the Conference Center doors

4 -

A T-shirt that says,

"I survived the conference center

traffic jam!"

5 -

A bumper sticker that says,

“My other car is a school bus.”

6 -

A mini replica of Trax

with people jammed in it

like a 60’s telephone booth.

7 -

The seagull monument

made of hardened fry sauce.

8 -

A salt container that says

“Utah is the salt of the Earth.”

9 -

A hand bag as large as

a semi-truck trailer that says,

“This is almost big enough

to hold all of my scrapbooking material."

10 -

A map that only shows locations

where junk food is sold.

DEATHLY BREAKING NEWS: WHAT NEVER TO CALL A LDS GENEALOGY STORE

2006-09-25T10:36:00.000-07:00

WHAT NEVER TO CALL A LDS GENEALOGY STORE
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 - Death Becomes Us
2 - ‘Til Death Do Us Never Part
3 - Got Ancestors?
4 – As the Grave Turns
5 – Ancestors R Us
6 – Caskets B U
7 – Urns and Things
8 - The Big Sleep Happens Here
9 – And it to Came to Passing On
10 – Dying to Research
11 – Beyond the Grave

PIONEER BREAKING NEWS: IF LDS PEOPLE HAD TO WALK ACROSS THE PLAINS TODAY, TOP TEN ITEMS THEY'D HAVE TO TAKE WITH THEM!

2006-09-15T11:53:00.000-07:00

IF LDS PEOPLE HAD TO
WALK ACROSS THE PLAINS TODAY,
TOP TEN ITEMS THEY'D
HAVE TO TAKE WITH THEM:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 - Cases and cases and cases of de-caf, diet soda
2 – Cases and cases and cases of chips
3 – Cases and cases and cases of cookies
4 – Barrels of fry sauce
4 – Wagon loads of candy
5 – Battery-operated TV/DVD, plus remote control with a wagon load of batteries7 – iPod with wagon loads of batteries
8 – Cell phone with wagon loads of batteries
9 – Wagon loads of scrapbooking materials
10 – Wagon loads of basketballs

GENERAL CONFERENCE BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN COMMENTS OVERHEARD WHILE STANDING IN LINE FOR GENERAL CONFERENCE

2006-09-13T15:57:00.000-07:00

TOP TEN COMMENTS OVERHEARD
WHILE STANDING IN LINE FOR
GENERAL CONFERENCE

(By Bettyanne Bruin )

1 –

I wonder if the line’ll be this long

to get into Heaven!

2 –
I wouldn’t even stand in a line this long
to meet my eternal companion!

3 –
How many of us in this line
do you think are related?

4 –
With a line this long,
it’s amazing we don’t drink!

5 -
I hope we don’t find out this is the line
to use the restroom!

6 –
And the pioneers thought they had it rough
crossing the plains!

7 –
I guess this is what the scriptures mean
when they say, “Endure to the end!”

8 –
Just think, if we keep doing missionary work,
this line’ll be even longer!

9 –
Just think, Honey, this line could represent
all of our posterity!

10 –
You’d think in a line this long

they could at least serve refreshments!

SABBATH DAY BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN MOST POPULAR TIMES FOR LDS PEOPLE TO PREPARE THEIR SUNDAY LESSON

2006-09-09T12:46:00.000-07:00

TOP TEN MOST POPULAR TIMES FOR LDS
PEOPLE PREPARE TO THEIR SUNDAY LESSON:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 - While falling asleep Saturday night or
2 - While waking up Sunday morning or
3 - While sitting on the toilet Sunday morning or
4 - While brushing teeth Sunday morning or
5 - While bathing or showering Sunday morning or
6 – While doing hair, getting dressed
and putting on socks and shoes Sunday morning or
7 - While eating breakfast Sunday morning or
8 - While driving to church Sunday morning or
9 - During Sacrament meeting or
10 - While teaching the lesson.

YOUNG MEN BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN MOST SUCCESSFUL YOUNG MEN'S ACTIVITIES

2006-09-06T08:41:00.000-07:00

TOP TEN MOST SUCCESSFUL
YOUNG MEN'S ACTIVITIES
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1- Play basketball, then have root beer floats!
2 – Play basketball while making plans for upcoming scout trip!
3 – Hold a basketball skills camp!
4 - Learn how to be a good sport while playing basketball!
5 – Play basketball while discussing how to activate inactives!
6 – Have Young Men introduce themselves, then play basketball!
7 – Play basketball while discussing going on a mission!
8 – Play basketball while discussing dating do’s and don’ts!
9 – Invite inactives to play basketball!
10 – Play basketball while having testimony meeting!

CONFECTION BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN LOUDEST TO QUIETEST CANDY FOR SACRAMENT MEETING

2006-09-05T11:19:00.000-07:00

Top Ten Loudest to Quietest
Candy for Sacrament Meeting
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 – Pop Rocks
2 - Jolly Ranchers
3 – Smarties
4 - Tic Tacs
5 - Nerds
6 – Tootsie Pop
7 – Lifesavers
8 – Taffy
9 - Starburst
10 – Gum

FILM BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN UPCOMING LDS MOVIES

2006-08-24T14:14:00.000-07:00

TOP TEN UPCOMING LDS MOVIES
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 - The Revenge of the Mailbox: The old lady, Lethe decides to write letters back to her family that have ignored her for so long.

2 – De-cipher in the Snow: A family from rural Utah tries to decipher a sign in the snow that reads, “You Call Me to be the Next Den Leader and I’ll...” Who wrote this sign and why?

3 – Johnny Lingo and the One Cow Girlfriend He Took to the Prom: This is the story behind the real moohala girlfriend Johnny Lingo loved first and why SHE dumped HIM!

4 – Sunday Morning Warriors: This is a film about all of those early morning spunky, smiley ward members everyone wants to squish, if they were real bugs.

5 – It May be My Turn on Earth, But It’s Your Turn to be Scout Leader: One person's quest to overcome one of Earth's biggest obstacles: working in the scouting program.

6 - Out of the Mouth of BYU Babes: Movie has been cancelled due to inability to locate any real babes.

7 – Martyrs and Mormons: The Real Story of the Relief Society sisters: One question: can you be a martyr and be happy?

8 - Church Basketball Claims Settled Out of Court: This reality film is based on real live court cases.

9 - Mormons at Our Barbeque: See how much food a LDS family can really eat when they show up at a neighbor's barbeque.

10 - Man’s Search for Happiness at a BYU/UofU game: While BYU is losing can man still find happiness?

BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN TEACH A MORMON TO....

2006-08-16T15:54:00.000-07:00

TOP TEN TEACH A MORMON TO...
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 - Teach a Mormon man to be determined
and he’ll beat his fellow quorum leaders
to make sure his team wins every Ward basketball game!

2 - Teach a Mormon woman to be thrifty
and she’ll knock over small children,
old ladies and store shelves
to be first in line for a scrapbooking sale.

3 - Teach a Mormon to be prepared
and they’ll fill wheat silos,
purchase armored cars,
acquire bullet proof vests as well as an AK 47
to make sure they’re prepared
for whatever comes their way.

4 - Teach a Mormon to have family ties
and they’ll picnic on their ancestor’s graves.

5 - Teach a Mormon woman to be a 100 percenter
and she’ll knock on your door at midnight,
pull you out of bed
and make sure her Visiting Teaching is done.

6 - Teach a Mormon to have fun
and they’ll laugh their way
through a loved one’s funeral.

7 - Teach a Mormon to sacrifice
and they’ll give up anything
and everything (every organ included)
unless it’s their chocolate, Coke or Pepsi.

8 - Teach a Mormon to be nice
and they will…
until someone steals their seat in church.

9 - Teach a Mormon to be obedient
and they will…unless they’re late for church.

10 – Teach a Mormon to

CHURCH CALLING BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN CHURCH CALLINGS EVERY LDS PERSON FEARS BEING CALLED TO

2006-08-11T16:19:00.000-07:00

TOP TEN CHURCH CALLINGS
EVERY LDS PERSON
FEARS BEING CALLED TO:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 - Scoutmaster
2 - Den Leader
3 - Camp Director
4 – Nursery Leader
5 – Assistant Nursery Leader
6 – Second Assistant Nursery Leader
7 - Gospel Doctrine Teacher
8 – Ward Missionary
9 – Stake Missonary
10 – Ward Mission Leader

SABBATH BREAKING NEWS: SIGNS YOU MIGHT BE SUFFERING FROM A MONDAY MORNING LDS HANGOVER

2006-08-07T16:07:00.000-07:00

SIGNS YOU MIGHT BE SUFFERING
FROM A MONDAY MORNING LDS HANGOVER:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 - Eyes burn from sleeping during church, as well as on and off throughout the day.
2 - Hands are dry from so much dishwashing following so many dinner visitors.
3 - Voice is groggy from talking to people at church, then going home and having follow-up discussions on lesson topics.
4 - Back hurts from sitting in the pews.
5 - Urge to sin still trying to subside after from not being able to do anything all day long.
6 - Eyes also burn from watching too much television all day long.
7 - Legs ache from not using them all day long as a result of laying on the couch all day long.
8 – Arm hurts from using the remote control for so long.
9 - Pants too tight from overeating.
10 – Eyes sensitive to light from staying indoors too long.

DEAR JOHN BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN WORST INTRODUCTIONS IN A LDS DEAR JOHN LETTER

2006-08-02T17:20:00.000-07:00

Top Ten Worst Introductions
in a LDS Dear John Letter
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 – “You know how your brother and I
were always so close? Well…”
2 - “I liked you, so much, when I was LDS,
but now that I’m Catholic…”
3 – “I thought the sacrifice of waiting for you
for two years would be worth it, but…”
4 – “Last night, while I was praying
as to what I should do between you and Mark,
well I got this feeling that Mark and I…”
5 – Remember how you always said,
“If I can’t wait for you, just let me know? Well...”
6 – “I know your mother was just diagnosed
with cancer and that your dad recently died of a heart attack, but nothing is harder than me
having to write this letter to tell you…”
7 – “This hurts me more than it hurts you, but…”
8 – “Even though I have chosen not to wait for you any longer, I hope you’ll keep looking at the bright side.”
9 – “Because I feel you are so much more righteous than me, I feel there is no other choice other than to let you go…”
10 – Even though I have decided not to wait for you any longer, I just wanted to remind you about my younger
sister, Hilary. She has become really pretty
these past two years and, at age 16, she has just started
dating and is close enough to your age that I was thinking …”

MISSIONARY BREAKING NEWS

2006-08-01T09:37:00.000-07:00

TOP TEN MISSIONS EVERY MISSIONARY
FEELS HE OR SHE SHOULD TRULY BE CALLED TO:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 - Adamondiamon

2 - The Vatican

3 - The first mission to the Moon

4 - To lie on the sidewalk in Israel for three days

5 - Hawaii or Fiji or Cancun or Cabo San Lucas or Club Med

6 - To teach Mel Gibson

7 - Salt Lake City

8 - To be one of the three Nephites

9 - Hollywood

10 - To just stay home

PRESIDENTIAL BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN CHANGES IN AMERICA IF MITT ROMNEY BECOMES PRESIDENT

2006-08-01T09:23:00.000-07:00

TOP TEN CHANGES IN AMERICA
IF MITT ROMNEY
BECOMES PRESIDENT
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 -

Corn will be pronounced carn

2 -

All cabinet meetings will begin with

"The Hello Song."

3 -

The letter "T" will be dropped from

the English alphabet ( moun-ains, ki-ens, shu-up)

4 -

The announced will be made that

fry sauce is the offical American condiment.

5 -

If a cabinet member cannot make a cabinet meeting,

he or she will need to get a substitute.

6 -

Funeral potatoes and green Jell-o salad

will be served at the White House.

7 -

The colors of the flag will be changed

to red, yellow and blue.

8 -

Refreshments will be served

after all cabinet meetings.

9 -

All state departments will use more visual aids.

10-

A war will break out to finally settle the battle:

Coke or Pepsi.

HJB BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN CHANGES IN AMERICA IF MITT ROMNEY BECOMES PRESIDENT

2006-07-28T15:49:00.000-07:00

Greetings from Redondo Beach. I have been thinking about HJB while I've been gone. I always have an eye out for HJB things, which I will address in the future. But, for today, one idea came to me. Quickly, I will jot down as much as I can before I jump back in the ocean: TOP TEN CHANGES IN AMERICA IF MITT ROMNEY BECOMES PRESIDENT: (I can't get this computer to work right, so it's all in one run today: 1- Corn will be pronounced Carn. 2 - America's official condiment will finally be announced: Fry Sauce. 3 - The American Flag will no longer be red, white and blue, but red, yellow and blue. 4 - All cabinet meetings will beging with "The Hello Song." 5 - Finally, the biggest war in history will break out to finally make the final decision: Coke or Pepsi! 6 - The letter "T" will be dropped from the alphabet (moun-ains, ki-en, lay-on) 7 - "Fetch" will be announced as the nation's official swear word. 8 - Uh, oh. Waves are calling. I'll keep working on this one. Favorite HJB saying: Remember to BE GOOD AND HAVE FUN!!!!

Breaking News: Top Ten Things

2006-07-19T16:08:00.000-07:00

Top Ten Things Seen at the 24th of July Parade:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 – 10k and marathon racers attempting to wave and smile because they actually know people in the crowd.
2 - Salt Lake motorcade with Sheriff’s wearing fake mustaches
3 – Floats sprayed one entire metallic color (usually gold, purple or green), including live people, trees, cats, dogs!
4 – Sweaty clowns that scare both children and adults.
5 – Band members with too-tight, polyester, hand-me-down band outfits being sprayed with water sprayers to keep them cooled off.
6 – Too much horse poop.
7 – Too many motorized pooper scooper carts
8 – Old, fat Shriner’s driving Model T mini cars
9 – Tons of pamphlets from other religions.
10 - Groups of anti Mormons holding signs arguing with LDS people.
THE BEST: The Samoan band!!!!

OH MAN BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN MOST POPULAR LDS BRAG-WHINING STATEMENTS

2006-07-17T10:00:00.000-07:00

TOP TEN MOST POPULAR
LDS BRAG/WHINING STATEMENTS
(by Bettyanne Bruin)

BragWhining: noun; When a LDS person tries to camouflage a total brag within a whine. Example:

1 -- I am sooooo tired because I stayed up all night finishing the entire Book of Mormon.

2 -- I hate this. I am soooooo nervous. I mean being the new Relief Society President is one of the biggest jobs in the church!

3 -- Oh man, I am soooooooooooo exhausted. I mean we had to pack up our entire family, drive to Mexico and then teach an entire community how to cook and clean.

4 -- I am soooooooooooooooo poor. Oh man, after buying that houseboat and jet skis, then hosting that week long party for the Ward, what more should I expect?

5 -- I am so mad. We thought our brand new, ten thousand square foot home would be done by this weekend and the contractor says the one-of-a-kind imported tile shipment from Italy is going to be late!

6 -- I am sooooo sore. I spent the entire weekend pulling every weed in our non-member neighbor's yard and then his neighbor asked me to pull his too.

7 -- Look at my hands. Can you believe it? They are all cut from spending the entire day out at the Bishop's storehouse loading and unloading 20 pound food crates.

8 -- It is so hard having 12 children. Some days I think I am going to die because I have sooooo many children.

9 -- I can't believe how much stupid time it takes to meet with our financial investor to go over all of our investments.

10 -- I have spent soooooo much time doing all of my geneaology, all the way back to the early 1200's, that I'm afraid I might go to go blind.

HALFSIES BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN NEWEST WAYS LDS PEOPLE SPEAK!!!!

2006-07-11T07:51:00.000-07:00

TOP TEN NEWEST WAYS
LDS PEOPLE SPEAK!!!
(by Bettyanne Bruin)

1 - It's not Family Home Evening anymore,
it's Family Home!!!

2 - Instead of, "Want to go with me somewhere?"
it's now, "Wanna go with?"

3 - Instead of BYU, it's The BY!!!

4 - Green Jell-O is now just Green J!!!

5 - And guess what? We're not preparing
for the second coming anymore
'cause we're all preparing for the Second C!!!

6 - Word is the Mormon Tabernacle Choir
now refers to the The Battle Hymn of the Repulic
as The Battle H of the R!!!

7 - Missionaries also now only refer to
assistants to the President as Assistants to the P!!!

8 - And High Councilmen are now called High C's!!!

9 - Uh oh. Do not do this:
Some people now refer to General Authorities as G.A.'s!!!

10 - And, when we die?
Of course: We all want to go to the C. Kingdom!!!!

PATRIOTIC BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN THINGS THAT COULD ONLY BE HEARD AT A LDS FOURTH OF JULY FAMILY CELEBRATION

2006-07-03T14:29:00.000-07:00

Top Ten Things That Could Only be Overheard at a LDS Fourth of July Family Celebration:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 – “Would anyone like to volunteer to say the blessing?”
2 – “Anyone seen the green Jell-O salad?”
3 – “Did anyone bring fry sauce?”
4– “Hi, great great great grandpa. How are you?” 5 – “I didn’t know Aunt Diane and Uncle Dean had twelve kids. I thought they only had ten.”
6 – “Attention Everyone: We’re missing little Jacob. Has anyone seen little Jacob?”
7 – “Does anyone have an emergency kit?”
8 – “Is there a nursing mother’s room anywhere nearby?”
9 – “Can we have thirds?”
10 – “Hey, you. You’re in my math class. I didn’t realize we were cousins!”

HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY EVERYONE!!!!

ARGUMENTATVIE BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN THINGS LDS PEOPLE LOVE TO ARGUE ABOUT

2006-06-30T16:04:00.000-07:00

Top Ten Topics LDS People Love to Argue About
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 – Coke or Pepsi
2 – BYU or U of U
3 – Patriarchal or Patriarticle
4 – Actual date of the Second Coming
5 – Should tithing be paid on net income or gross income?
6 – Must home/visiting teaching visits include a lesson
in order to be counted?
7 – Should a kid who’s within days of turning 16 be
allowed to go to the prom?
8 – Cosmetic surgeries
9 – Watching TV on Sunday.
10 – What constitutes gambling.

WAHOO BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN SACRAMENT MEETING GAMES

2006-06-28T10:11:00.000-07:00

Top Ten Sacrament Meeting Games
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1:

The Dot Game

Hangman

Tic Tac Toe

Fast and Testimony Bingo:

who cries, who died,

quotes a scripture, disaster.

Ward Celebrity look-a-likes

Unlikely match-ups

of people in the Ward

Best toupee

Find the Most People Sleeping

Best Sacrament Program Doodler

10:

Most Cheerios in Mouth

FETCHIN' BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN LDS SWEAR WORDS

2006-06-27T16:03:00.000-07:00

TOP TEN LDS SWEAR WORDS
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

Top Ten LDS Swear Words:

1 – Fetch!
2 – Heck!
3 – Geez!
4 – Shoot!
5 - Darn!
6 - Darn it!
7 - Darn it all!
8 – Gosh!
9 – Gosh Darn!
10 – Gosh Darn it all!

LATEST FHE FAD BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN LATEST FADS IN FAMILY HOME EVENING

2006-06-19T16:17:00.000-07:00

Top Ten Latest Fads in Family Home Evenings:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

Finally, no more wondering what to do
for family night! Now, you can just put,
“ Family Home,” in front of everything
you were going to do anyway
and relieve guilt as well:

For example: Latest most popular Family Home Evening:
“Family Home Minute:
A family home evening that only lasts a few minutes.”

1 - Family Home Twenty-four: For the family
who can’t stand the thought of missing
an episode of, “24” on Fox.

2 - Family Home Shopping: For the family
who can’t resist going shopping anyway.

3 - Family Home Cleaning/Do Laundry:
For the family who must clean and/or
do laundry because they work all day.

4 - Family Home Cops: Great for the guys!
Never lose their attention again!

5 - Family Home WWF: Also great for
husbands, dads and rebellious teenage boys!

6 - Family Home DO WHATEVER!!!!:
Now you can do whatever
AND STILL call it family home evening.

7 - Family Home Yell at Your Teenager
for Not Honoring His or Her Curfew:
Hey, still falls under the official category of
Family Home Evening.

8 – Family Home Tell off the Telemarketer:
Still called Family Night!

9 – Family Home Relax: Still family night.

10 – Family Home _______________ (Fill in the
blank with the FHE of your choice)

HAPPY FAMILY HOME EVENING!!!

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN "YOU KNOW YOU'RE A LDS FATHER WHEN...."

2006-06-16T14:57:00.000-07:00

TOP TEN "YOU KNOW YOU'RE A LDS FATHER WHEN..."
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 – You tell all of your business associates, “Nigh-nigh,” when you leave work at the end of the day.”

2 – Your business cards are all stuck together.

3 – Your greatest fantasy is to have all the family bills paid on time.

4- You can turn any moment into a teaching one.

5- All of your suit pockets are filled with cracker crumbs.

6- You fear your daughter going on her first date more than you fear death.

7- Your Monday nights are spent playing, “Hangman,”and/or, “Hot or Cold.”

8- You’re willing to have your suit tie cut off to make Primary children sing louder.

9- You find your toothbrush out in the sand box.

10- You know all the verses of, “The People on the Bus.”

CHURCH CAMP BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN THINGS LDS YOUNG WOMEN TAKE TO GIRL'S CAMP AND TOP TEN THINGS LDS SCOUTS TAKE TO SCOUT CAMP

2006-06-12T14:34:00.000-07:00

Top Ten Things LDS Young Women Take
to Girl’s Camp
(by Bettyanne Bruin)

1 – Butane curling iron
2 – Mirror
3 – Make-up
4 – Nair
5 – Crimper
6 – Tweezers
7 – Hairspray
8 – Nail polish
9 – iPod
10 – Candy

Top Ten Things LDS Scouts Take to Scout Camp
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1- F*art machine
2- Whoopie Cushion
3 - Cans of Refried Beans
4 – Cans of Baked Beans
5 – Cans of Lima Beans
6 – Cans of Navy Beans
7 – Cooked Broccoli
8 – Cooked Cabbage
9 – Cooked Onions
10- Matches

NURSERY BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN COMMENTS FOUND IN THE DIARY OF A NURSERY LEADER

2006-06-09T16:01:00.000-07:00

TOP TEN COMMENTS
FOUND IN THE DIARY
OF A WARD NURSERY LEADER:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 – “Dear Diary: I just have one question:
what did I do wrong in the pre-existence to deserve this?”

2 – “Dear Diary: I’m just getting over another cold…”

3 – “Dear Diary: I’ve been in this calling now for 3 months,
2 days and five minutes.”

4 – “Dear Diary: Today I bought ear plugs.”

5 – “Dear Diary: Why was snot invented?”

6 – “Dear Diary: Today I only took 4 Excedrine.”

7 – “Dear Diary: I’ve decided the only way out of this
is calling is to develop a bad case of claustrophobia
or some highly contagious disease for which there is
no cure.”

8 – “Dear Diary: Please forgive me. Sister Parkinson
has been driving me crazy lately
with all of her perfectionist demands
so I purposely fed her kid red punch and Oreos today.”

9 – “Dear Diary: I think it would be easier
to keep 80 ping pong balls under the water
at the same time than to get all of the kids quiet
for just one minute to hear a lesson.”

10 – “Dear Diary: I’ve decided I’m not on enough
medication yet to keep me going in this calling,
so I’ve decided to ask to be released.”

NEWS FLASH !!!! JUST IN!!!!! JUST IN TIME FOR 6/6/6!!!BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN THINGS LDS PEOPLE BELIEVE ARE OF THE DEVIL!!!!

2006-06-06T09:04:00.000-07:00

TOP TEN THINGS LDS PEOPLE
BELIEVE ARE OF THE DEVIL
(in honor of 666) plus a few extras, just for the fun of it!!!
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 - Chewing gum on Fast Sunday
2 - Ouija boards
3 - Water
4 - Opening your eyes during a prayer
5 - Anything that is both immature
and disgusting
6 - Swear words
7 - Halloween masks
8 - Tank tops and/or wife beaters
9 - Rap music
10 - Caffeine
11 - Infringing on copyright laws
12 - Ripping the tag off the mattress
13 - Staying up past midnight
14 - Bear hug slow dancing
15 - Lottery tickets
16 - Going cross-eyed
17 - Facial hair, especially goatees

GENEALOGICAL BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN EXCUSES WHY SOME LDS PEOPLE CHOOSE NOT TO DO THEIR GENEALOGY

2006-06-06T08:13:00.000-07:00

Top Ten Excuses Why Some
LDS People Choose Not To Do
Their Genealogy
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 – Because it will all be taken care of
in the millennium anyway.

2 – Because I’m too busy in my calling
to print up the Sacrament meeting
program each week.

3 – Because my ancestors all belonged
to other religions and none of them have ever
appeared to me, stating they want their work done.

4 – Because I feel like someone will be born
into my family some day who is supposed to do it.

5 – Because I can’t afford to do it.

6 – Because I’m waiting until they find a faster,
easier way to do it.

7- Because if I did my genealogy
I never would be able to go on vacation
with my family again.

8 – Because I’m saving it for when I get older
and have nothing better to do.

9 – Because I have too many relatives.

10 – Because every time the choice to do
my genealogy comes up, I chose to do something else.

TEACHING BREAKING NEWS: TEACH A MORMON TO...

2006-06-05T15:53:00.000-07:00

TEACH A MORMON TO...

(By Bettyanne Bruin)

Teach a Mormon

how to be determined and they will do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING, including drawing blood, to win a Ward basketball game.

Teach a Mormon

how to be thrifty and they will knock over shelves and cash registers to be first in line for a scrapbooking sale.

Teach a Mormon

how to be prepared and they will buy wheat silos, armored cars and bullet proof vests to be ready for the Second Coming.

Teach a Mormon

how to have family pride and they picnic on their ancestors graves.

Teach a Mormon

how to be 100 percent visiting teacher and they will knock on your door at midnight, pull you out of bed and give you the message for the month.

Teach a Mormon

to serve and they will eat ten servings of ice cream.

Teach Mormon

to have fun and they will have fun, even at a loved one’s funeral.

Teach a Mormon

how to sacrifice and they will sacrifice everything but their candy or soda pop.

Teach a Mormon

to be nice and they will be very nice until someone steals their seat in a theater.

Teach a Mormon

to be obedient and they will be very obedient unless they’re late for a church meeting.

.COM BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN .COMS FOR LDS PEOPLE

2006-05-26T16:23:00.000-07:00

TOP TEN .COMS FOR LDS PEOPLE
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 - helpimscrapbookingandicantstop.com
2 - neverfallasleepinanothermeetingagain.com
3 - familyhomeeveningsthatactuallywork.com
4 - idontwanttoteachmylessononsundayand
cantfindasubstitute.com
5 - whyarentiperfectyet.com
6 - bestandcheapestldsmedicationsavailableonline.com
7 - thechoristerkeepscallingandaskingmetojointhechoir
andidontwantto.com
8 - helpimthescoutmaster
andidontwanttobe.com
9 - sick-freenurseriesnow.com
10 – homemakingprojectsmadefromleft-overfuneralpotatoes.com

GASPING BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN THINGS LDS PEOPLE GASP OVER

2006-05-23T09:07:00.000-07:00

TOP TEN THINGS LDS PEOPLE GASP OVER
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 – Whenever someone becomes engaged.
2 – Whenever a woman announces she is pregnant.
3 – Upon the announcement of who the new Ward Bishop is.
4 – Whenever a restaurant runs out of Coke or Pepsi.
5 – Upon hearing a missionary read where he or she has been called to.
6 – Upon any bad call made in a BYU vs. U of U sporting event.
7 – Upon receiving a very exciting or very yucky new Ward calling.
8 – Upon hearing someone is gay.
9 – Upon hearing someone came home early from their mission.
10 – A long and sustained gasp always happens whenever the announcement is made in Relief Society that the sisters reached 100 percent visiting teaching for the month.

SURVIVAL BREAKING NEW: TOP TEN OTHER THINGS THAT MUST ALSO GO IN A LDS SURVIVAL KIT

2006-05-22T08:04:00.000-07:00

TOP TEN OTHER ITEMS THAT
MUST GO IN A LDS SURVIVAL KIT:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 – Your cell phone

2 – Your IPod

3 – Your lottery ticket

4 – Your anti-depressants

5 – Your scrapbooking material

6 – Bonko

7 - Some cases of Coke or Diet Pepsi

8 – A couple of copies of The National Enquirer and People magazine

9 – Hairspray, make-up and a butane curling iron

10 – The family pet.

2006-05-17T16:04:00.000-07:00

Top Ten Signs You Might Be Taking Your Calling as the Gospel Doctrine Teacher Too Seriously:

1 - Class members who forget their scriptures are threatened with their lives.

2 - You prepare your lessons one year in advance.

3- All of your visual aids are professionally made.

4 - You do not allow any noise in your classroom, including baby’s crying, coughing, sneezing, oxygen tanks and any labored breathing.

5 - You use Power Point.

To be continued...

2006-05-15T10:53:00.000-07:00

TOP TEN REASONS WHY LDS PEOPLE SUFFER FROM MONDAY MORNING HANGOVERS:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 – They eat way too much food on Sunday.
2 – They take way too long of Sunday naps.
3 – They watch way too much television.
4 – It’s tiring trying to smile for three hours straight.
5 – It’s stressful teaching a lesson you’re preparing while you’re teaching it.
6 – It’s tiring trying not to sin all day long.
7 – It’s exhausting dressing way up in the morning and way down in the afternoon.
8 – It’s tiring to sleep through so many meetings.
9 – It’s tiring trying to keep thinking of things you can do on a day when you feel like you can't do anything at all.
10 – Chasing a three-year-old for two hours straight can also be very tiring.

CHOIRLY BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN SONGS THE MORMON TABERNACLE CHOIR CANNOT EVER SING!!!

2006-05-02T13:58:00.000-07:00

Top Ten Songs the Mormon
Tabernacle Choir Cannot Ever Sing!
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1- 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall
2 - All My Rowdy Friends Are Coming Over Tonight by Hank Williams Jr
3 - Three Cigarettes in an Ashtray by Patsy Cline
4 - Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk by Rufus Wainwright
5 - Puff the Magic Dragon
6 - Beat It
7 - Devil Went Down to Georgia
8 - Influenza by Ace Johnson
9 - My Time Ain’t Long by Annabelle Sanford
10 - Margaritaville

Undecided:
1 - We are the World
2 - Love Train
3 - Yellow Submarine

MUSICAL BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN QUESTIONS ON THE APPLICATION TO BE WARD CHORISTER

2006-05-01T14:21:00.000-07:00

TOP TEN QUESTIONS ON
THE APPLICATION
TO BE WARD CHORISTER
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 - Type of wardrobe:
Clown
Old lady
Looking for a spousewear
High school teenager
Brittney Spears

2 - Type of glance:
Comforting
Validating
Authoritative
Killer (sing or else!)
I’d rather be anywhere else but here

3 - Type of smile:
Mannequin
Prozacial
Hitting on people
Sales

4 - Type of jewelry:
Jewelry for every holiday
Oversized
Undersized
Cheap
Cheap but looks expensive

5 - Type of wig:
Mile high
Cotton candy
Marge Simpson
Bouffant
Flat head
Wash ‘n wear

6 - Do you chew gum on Fast Sunday?

7 - Do you have false teeth?

8 - Do you chew gum with your false teeth?

9 – Type of nails?
Porcelain
Lee Press on
Guiness Book of World Record Length

10 - Have any of the following ever happened to you?
Fainted
Had a hole in the under arm of clothing
Phony nails fall off
Cry and can’t sing
Laugh and can’t sing
Accidentally poked self in eye
Lost beat of song and threw everybody off
Forgot words
Music stand fall over

If any of the above answers applied to you, congratulations, you are qualified to be the next Ward chorister.

TOP SELLING BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN LDS ITEMS SOLD ON EBAY

2006-04-27T11:42:00.000-07:00

TOP TEN LDS ITEMS SOLD ON EBAY
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 – A piece of Gladys Knight’s left over French toast.
2 – A video tape of Donny Osmond’s last family birthday party.
3 – A bug in a jar that made it across the plains.
4 – One round-to-it
5 – A CD of Steve Young singing Christmas carols.
6 – A Basketball signed by Thurl Bailey before he joined the church.
7 – A copy of My Turn on Earth in Chinese.
8 – Someone’s calling as a Scoutmaster.
9 – A Primary picture with Johnny Depp in it as a visitor.
10 – A sealed envelope with a guaranteed date for when the millennium is to begin.

REDEEMABLE BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN MOST POPULAR LDS COUPONS

2006-04-26T08:10:00.000-07:00

Top Ten Most Popular LDS Coupons:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 – Coupon good for saying “No” to one church calling.

2 – Coupon good for one free upgrade in the Celestial kingdom.

3 – Coupon good for claiming one year of 100 percent visiting/home teaching on all of your assignments.

4 – Coupon good for one free trade-in on any mission call assignment.

5 – Coupon good for forgiveness on committing one sin of your choice.

6 – Coupon good for being able to pursue the activity of your choice on any Sunday you choose.

7 – Coupon good for being able to choose, free of guilt, one R-rated movie of your choice.

8 – Coupon good for being able to use someone else’s food storage, should an emergency arise.

9 – Coupon good for being able to find out the scoop on one person of your choice in your Ward.
10 – Coupon good for being able to eat on the Fast Sunday of your choice.

TASTY BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN UNOFFICIALLY APPROVED SACRAMENT MEETING TREATS

2006-04-25T08:02:00.000-07:00

(HJB VERY IMPORTANT NOTE: This entry is inspired by attending Stake Conference on Sunday. Sat in the Cultural Hall, half way back, which means we got there just as the meeting started. As meeting wore on, the air conditioner did not kick in. The air became thick, became hard to breathe, maybe even suffocating; hot. In my despair, I glanced three rows in front of me just in time to witness what looked like a good LDS girl, sitting in her row with about ten other family members, pop open a can of soda! GEEZ! Some times life just isn’t fair! Have you ever seen any unusual things eaten in Stake Conference, or anything else crazy like that take place? Answer them in the comments section and I’ll post them, so we can all enjoy.

So, here’s to the girl who sat three rows in front of me:

Top Ten Unofficially Approved Sacrament Meeting Treats:

1 - Cheerios

2 - Fruit Loops

3 – Teddy Grahams

4 - Gum

5 – Tic Tacs

6 - Lifesavers

7 - Individually wrapped candies (Jolly Ranchers, Werther’s, taffy, bulk candy)

8 - Altoids

9 – Possibly a Capri Sun if hidden in scripture bag with just straw sticking out.

10 – Possibly that little cheese and cracker tray with the red spreading stick, if used slowly and quietly.

Top Ten UNAPPROVED Sacrament Meeting treats:

1 – SODA!!!!

2 – Pop rocks

3 - Popcorn

4 – Peanuts

5 – Doughnuts

6 – Lunchables

7 – McGriddle breakfast tray

8 – Beef jerky (Kristin)

9 – Pizza

10 – Roast with mashed potatoes and gravy

AMERICAN IDOL BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN THINGS THAT PROVE ACE, FROM AMERICAN IDOL, IS MORMON!!!

2006-04-24T15:50:00.000-07:00

Top Ten Things That Prove Ace,
from American Idol, is Mormon!!!
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 - His mother attends a Ward in Boulder, CO (see bio, then click on comments at aceyoung.net) – could be LDS
2 - Another kid remembers him from his Primary class (see bio, then click on comments at aceyoung.net) – could be very LDS
3 - His last name is Young - VERY LDS
4 - When he was voted off American Idol he said, “Gosh!” - EXTREMELY LDS
5 - His first name is Brett - DEFINITELY LDS
6 – His middle name is Asa, after his LDS grandfather – ABSOLUTELY LDS
7 – According to his bio, he has four brothers - POSSITIVELY LDS
8 – According to his bio, he loves sports - GOTTA BE LDS
9 – He laughed a lot - HAS-TO-BE LDS
10 – He seemed to be very confident in front of a crowd – UNBELIEVABLY LDS

SCOUTING BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN THINGS IN A SCOUT'S TWO-WEEK LONG BOYSCOUT CAMP SUITCASE

2006-04-21T13:58:00.000-07:00

Top Ten Things in A Scout’s Two-week
Long Boy Scout Camp Suitcase
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1- One pair of underwear
2- One sock
3- Pair of shorts with the biggest hole in them.
4- One whoopee cushion
5- Enough matches and gasoline and/or lighter fluid to set the world on fire. 6- 4 cans of refried beans
7- 100 firecrackers
8- One air gun
9- 10 lbs. of candy
10- 2 six packs of warm soda

MORE WARD BREAKING NEWS: MORE THINGS LDS PEOPLE WISH WERE IN THEIR WARD BUILDING

2006-04-21T09:18:00.000-07:00

MORE THINGS LDS PEOPLE WISH
WERE IN THEIR WARD BUILDING
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

"That we had a DJ instead of a Ward chorister."
DPG from Sandy, UT

"That there were sleeper sofas in High Priests."
KRB also from Sandy, UT

WARD BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN THINGS LDS PEOPLE WISH WAS IN THEIR WARD BUILDING

2006-04-20T10:27:00.000-07:00

Top Ten Things LDS people wish was in their Ward building:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 - Vending Machines in the foyer
2 - Reclining chairs in the chapel with foot rests
3 - Big gulp holders
4 – All televisions equipped with picture on picture to update sports scores
5 – Confession booths with curtains
6 - An ATM machine
7 - Canned laughter
8 - Background music that kicks in like on the Oscars when a talk has gone too long.
9 - A nursery built like an air castle
10 - Chair racks with faster wheels

COZY BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN SIGNS TO TELL IF YOU'RE IN A LDS HOME

2006-04-14T08:10:00.000-07:00

TOP TEN SIGNS
TO TELL IF YOU'RE
IN A LDS HOME
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 - Scriptures on the coffe table
2 - Proclamation to the Family hanging on the wall
3 - Large dining room table with lots of chairs
4 - Survival kits by the front door
5 - Fifteen passenger car parked in the driveway
6 - All the volumes of Work and the Glory on a bookshelf
7 - Something BYU displayed somewhere
8 - A cupboard filled with candy, cookies and soda
9 - Zuccinni growing in the backyard
10 - Some form of tree piece of artwork, showing the family's pedigree

SUNDAY SCHOOL BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN THINGS ON A SUNDAY SCHOOL PRESIDENT'S SUNDAY TO-DO LIST

2006-04-10T10:59:00.000-07:00

Top Ten Things on a
Sunday School President’s
Sunday To-Do List
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 – Get up late enough to not comb hair
2 – Pick suit, shirt and tie up off floor from last week
3 – Get dressed.
4 – Go to Sacrament Meeting.
5 – Go to Sunday School.
6 - Wander halls.
7 – Yell at teenagers.
8 – Pick litter up off floors in hallways.
9 – Ring buzzer.
10 – Go home.

BOO-HOO BREAKING NEWS: TOP THEN THINGS THAT MAKE MORMONS CRY

2006-04-10T10:40:00.000-07:00

Top Ten Things That Make Mormons Cry:

1 - Baby Blessings
2 - Testimonies
3 – When BYU loses to the U. of U
4 - When their funeral potatoes are burned
5 - When a fast food restaurant is out of fry sauce
6 - When, the night before fast Sunday, their favorite all-you-can eat restaurant is closed
7 - When they just missed the biggest srapbooking sale ever! (Dedicated to Gennie -- HAPPY BIRTHDAY, GEN!!!)
8 – When they accidentally buy a Coke instead of a Pepsi (or a Pepsi instead of a Coke)
9 – When someone brings them a candy bar AND IT'S NOT CHOCOLATE !!!
10 – When they don’t get “their seat” in the chapel.

WARD CLERK BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN YES OR NO QUESTIONS ON THE APPLICATION TO BE A WARD CLERK!!!!

2006-04-04T15:01:00.000-07:00

Top Ten Yes or No Questions
on the Application
to Become a Ward Clerk:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 - First or middle name includes Ernest, Harold, Lester,
or Ralph? __________
2 - Number of toupees perched on Styrofoam heads
in closet? __________
3 - Number of leisure suits with white top-stitching? _______
4 - Number of briefcases for carrying lots of unimportant
papers? ________
5 - Capable of walking down an aisle while writing
on a very small piece of paper? _____
6 - Number of times dated in high school 1____ 2 ____
7 - Capable of staring off in the distance for at least
one hour and ten minutes with a stone face,
week after week, no matter what happens
at the pulpit? _______
8 - Dark circles under eyes? __________
9 – Willing to embarrass self by attempting to
read last names of new move-ins? ________
10 – Able to overlook any funny faced Deacon
or projectile coming at you from any funny-faced
Deacon sitting on the front two rows
before you? ________

Congratulations! You may qualify to be your ward’s next Ward Clerk!

HAPPYJELLYBEAN BREAKING NEWS

2006-03-31T15:13:00.000-07:00

Okay, okay. I repent. My intention is not to insult. And, whereas I received a concerned e-mail regarding the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, I would like to say, all of my blogs are meant to poke a little fun. If that one went into a bit of a stab, a happyjellybean apology is in order. What happened was, while watching conference, hbj is always mindful of all the games played. And, to poke fun that sometimes the joke is made that the Mormon Tabernacle members all look alike, or who are they, or what, I thought I would make a game, only in fun, but, like hjb always says, If a joke is only funny to one person, then that joke is just not funny. So, let's get back on track and go for a kinder poke:

Could I do this?

TOP TEN SONGS THAT SHOUD BE SUNG TO THE PROTESTERS WHO TAKE TIME FROM THEIR BUSY DAY TO VISIT LDS MEMBERS ON CONFERENCE WEEKEND:

1- If You're Happy and You Know It Clap Your Hands
2 - If You Chance To Meet a Frown, Do Not Let it Stay
3 - Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, We're Glad You Came Our Way
4 - Let Us Oft Speak Kind Words to Each Other
5 - Time Flies On Wings of Lightening, Don't Let it Pass You By
6 - The World Has Need Of Willing Men
7 - Because I Have Been Given Much, I, Too, Should Give
8 - There Is Sunshine In My Soul Today

Or, another attempt at light humor:

Top Ten Things Heard Around the House on Conference Weekend:

1 - "Pass the popcorn."
2 - "Dad, quit snoring!"
3 - "Change it back!"
4 - "Get up, conference has started!"
5 - "Did they just put (name of close friend) in as a General Authority?"
6 - "Wow, I didn't know we had that many members in the church."
7 - "When I was a kid, there were only 10,000 missionaries in the mission field."
8 - "When I joined the church, there were only 12 temples!"
9 - "Dad, quit snoring."
10 - "Mom, tell ____ to quit hitting me."

CONFERENCE BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN "CAN YOU FIND A MEMBER OF THE MORMON TABERNACLE CHOIR WHO LOOKS LIKE..." CONFERENCE GAME

2006-03-30T17:03:00.000-07:00

Top Ten "Can You Find a Member
of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir
Who Looks Like..." Conference Game
by
Bettyanne Bruin

Can you find a member of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir Who Looks Like:

1- He or she has been in at least one Ward basketball fight?
2 – He or she sleeps during all of his or her Sacrament meeting?
3 – He or she has never done any genealogy?
4 – He or she does not believe in having a food storage?
5 – He or she plays the penny slot machines while traveling through a gambling zone?
6 – He or she believes the end of the world is coming any day?
7 – He or she has had a face lift?
8 – He or she has yelled at his or her neighbor’s dog?
9 – He or she is addicted to Jolt.
10 – He or she goes home during Sunday School.

MISSIONARY BREAKING NEW: TOP TEN PHONE MESSAGES LEFT ON A LDS MISSIONARY'S MESSAGE MACHINE

2006-03-27T12:27:00.000-07:00

Top Ten Phone Messages Left on a LDS Missionary’s Message Machine
by Bettyanne Bruin

1 – This is Dr. Thomas’ office. The results of the rabies test, on that dog that bit you, came back negative.
2 – Hello, Elders. This is Sister Wells. I just wanted to thank you, so much, for coming over today to help bury my dog for me. I'm sure Fido was very appreciative too.
3 – Hey, punks, you ever do that again -- go around knocking at my door trying to preach all of yer nonsense, and I’ll get my buddies and we’ll do more than just come knockin’ at your door!
4 – Hello, Elder. You don’t know me, but I’m a close friend of your girlfriend and she asked me to call you because she didn’t want to hurt your feelings by lying, so she wanted to be honest with you – she just got married.
5 – Hello, Elders. One of your journals was left at my house and I just wanted to let you know that you can stop by to get it any time you want. Also I, too, hope you get over soon the two biggest problems you expressed in your journal that you’re dealing with right now -- your fear of the dark and that disgusting toe-nail biting habit.
6 - Hello, this is a preacher from one of the local churches wanting advice on how to get more members.
7 – This is the Post Office wanting to let you know that there is NOT, I repeat NOT, a package for you today, so please do not call us again. We will call you!
8 – This is footblisters.com letting you know your case of foot cream is in the mail.
9 – Hello Elders. Just wanted to let you know that we had to cancel our dinner appointment with you, tonight, but we did leave a few packages of Top Ramen on your door to make up for it, so, have a good dinner and talk to you soon.
10 – This is the Mission Home letting you know that your activity to enter the city drag race with church advertising on your car was not approved.

Argumentative Breaking News: TOP TEN THINGS LDS PEOPLE LOVE TO ARGUE ABOUT!!!!

2006-03-22T08:48:00.001-07:00

Top Ten Things LDS People Love to Argue About:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)
1 – Other religions.
2 – BYU vs. U of U
3 – The definition of a caffeinated product.
4 – Any foul called in a basketball game.
5 – Who’s going to say the opening prayer in Family Home Evening.
6 – Donner pass.
7 – R-rated movies: Good or bad?
8 – Television viewing habits.
9 – Polygamy
10 – Is crap a swear word?

SCRAPBOOKING BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN THINGS LDS PEOPLE DO NOT WANT TO SCRAPBOOK ABOUT:

2006-03-21T10:08:00.000-07:00

Top Ten Things LDS People
Will NEVER Want to Scrapbook About:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

Dedicated to Genevieve Gillette

1. The many Family Home Evenings where everyone fights over job chores.

2. The first time you put your toddler in the nursery and ditched him or her.

3. Locating your scout after he's spent an entire night in the mountains alone.

4. The fight with the Scout master who lost track of him.

5. The time, while on your mission, the non-member announced he or she was canceling his or her baptism date.

6. The meeting with the Bishop where he calls you into the scouting program.

7. Initiating road rage on your way to church.

8. Eating at an all-you-can eat buffet the night before fast Sunday.

9. The Ward basketball game fight that was started by a member of your family.

10. You drooling, while asleep, in Sacrament meeting.

Simply Breaking News: Top Ten Never-Before-Heard-of-Ways (yeah, right) a LDS Person Can Simplify His or Her Life

2006-03-14T17:44:00.000-07:00

Top Ten Never-Before-Heard-of-Ways
(Yeah, right)
A LDS Person Can Simplify His or Her Life:
(ByBettyanne Bruin)

1 – Catch up on sleep during church meetings. (Oops, already done.)
2 - Save genealogy work for when you get old and have nothing better to do. (Oops, already done.)
3 – Say one, long prayer while in bed, rather than three times a day. (Oops, already done.)
4 – Hire out service projects. (Actually has been done.)
5 – Buy your sodas in gallon-sized drink containers. (Is done all of the time.)
6 – Keep forgetting that you have neighbors. (What neighbors?)
7 – Call your home/visiting teaching families for visits on the phone. (Oops, has been done for years.)
8 – Show videos to your Sunday School class. (Oops, currently the biggest fad in the LDS church.)
9 – Hold FHM, Family Home Moment while eating dinner. (Done all the time.)
10 –

2006-03-10T11:23:00.000-07:00

Top Ten LDS Swear Words
and Their Moment of Usage:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 - Frickin’: “I didn’t frickin’ foul that guy! He was the one who was all over me!”
2 – Dang: “And then this dang car comes right up and pretty near rear ends me!”
3 – Darn: “That darn food storage is piling up all over out there in that darn garage!”
4 – Fetch: “Fetch, that hurt! Geez, what'd you do that for?”
5 – Geez: Refer to the above.
6 – Sheesh: “Sheesh, what’s it gonna take to get you to get the message? I'm not going to marry you!”
7 – Bleeoch: “That girl is one heckofa bleeoch, and I don't care if she is my next door neighbor!”
8 - H-E-double hockey sticks: “If you aren’t obedient, you know where you’re going to go? You are goin' right to h-e-double hockey sticks!”
9 – Heck-if-I: “Heck-if-I know where your scriptures are. You’re the one who lost them!”
10 – Lousey, good for nothin’: “That kids is a good-for-nothin- piece of crap.” (Shhh… LDS people do not think crap is not a swear word.)

2006-03-07T10:03:00.000-07:00

Top Ten Signs
You Cannot Call Yourself
a Regular Scripture Reader:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 – You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if the only scripture reading you do is listen to the scriptures on tape while doing other things, like watching television or sleeping.

2 – You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if the only scripture reading you do is when you glance over at your neighbor’s scriptures each week in Sunday School class.

3 – You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if the only scripture reading you do is reading the scriptures found on the marquis’s of other churches.

4 – You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if the only scriptures you read are those found on car bumper stickers.

5. You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if the only scriptures you read is the John 3:16 sign that’s held up at all national sporting events.

6 – You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if your only claim to being a regular scripture reader is the fact that you’ve memorized the scripture, “Jesus wept.”

7 – You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if you have no idea where your scriptures are.

8 – You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if you’ve set a goal to read the scriptures and almost read them once.

9 - You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if the only scripture reading you do is to look at them, once a day, sitting on your bookshelf.

10 - You cannot call yourself a regular scripture reader if you think about reading them every day, but never do.

Lent Breaking News: Top Ten Things LDS People Should Give Up for Lent, but Absolutely Cannot

2006-03-01T13:02:00.000-07:00

Top Ten Things LDS People Should
Give Up for Lent, but Absolutely Cannot:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 – Watching television on Sunday.
2 – All chocolate and/or caffeine products. For that matter, all sugar products.
3 – Not answering the phone when a Bishopric member calls during a time when an undesirable calling is available.
4 – Avoiding the Ward Genealogy Specialist.
5 – Avoiding walking anywhere near a Primary room.
6 – Going overtime on a talk or lesson.
7 – Cheating on Fast Sunday.
8 – Shopping on Sunday.
9 – Funeral Potatoes.
10 – Preparing their lesson while teaching their lesson.

FAT TUESDAY BREAKING NEWS: LDS VERSIONS OF FAT TUESDAY (MARDI GRAS)

2006-03-01T12:47:00.000-07:00

LDS VERSIONS OF FAT TUESDAY (MARDI GRAS)
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 - Flat Tuesday: The day before Lent where all women in the LDS church wear their hair flat with no hairspray, then gather at their Ward building and spend hours trying to figure out who each other is.

2 - Brat Tuesday: The day before Lent where all irreverent LDS children get whatever they want, also known in the LDS church as Sharing Time.

3 - Hat Tuesday: The day before Lent where members of the LDS church finally convince all toupee-adorned LDS men to take off their toupee and wear a hat, while LDS members do whatever it takes to destroy the toupee, only to find out the next Sunday that their efforts were fruitless.

4 - Pat Tuesday: The day before Lent where members of the LDS church finally celebrate (instead feeling guilty like every other day of the year) that maybe they really do have everything down pat, from doing their genealogy to food storage to understanding the Book of Isaiah. This is usually one of the happiest days of the year for LDS people, except for LDS martyrs.

5 - Mat Tuesday: The day before Lent where all LDS people celebrate the importance of making sure a mat or any other type of decorated material is carefully placed under a flower-filled vase on a classroom table for any Sunday lesson.

6 - Rat Tuesday: The day before Lent where all LDS people get to rat about what’s really bothering them, from political issues to poorly prepared food – usually this celebration spills out into every day of the year.
7 - Cat Tuesday: The day before Lent where a LDS person can choose to believe he or she really is a cool cat. Warning: This day usually runs out quick because, before too long, the LDS person is back to eating stuff like green Jell-o, fry sauce and funeral potatoes, wearing big hair, clothes that fit too tight, listening to the oldies station and once again realizes that he or she really is a big geek.

8 – Sat. Tuesday: The day before Lent where all LDS people completely saturate themselves with any and all caffeine products.

9 - Bat Tuesday: The day before Lent where all LDS people go to bat for the church by arguing with anyone who comes their way -- usually happens wherever LDS pageants are performed.

10 – Chat Tuesday: The day before Lent where people in the LDS church gather at the Ward building to spend all day chatting as if it was Sunday.

HIGH PRIEST BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR HIGH PRIEST GROUP LEADER MIGHT BE TOO OLD TO SERVE

2006-02-24T17:20:00.000-07:00

Top Ten Signs Your High Priest Group Leader
Might Be Too Old to Serve:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 - Following Sacrament Meeting, even if someone shouts, “Fire!” the High Priest Group Leader doesn’t move.

2 - The High Priest Group Leader begins High Priest’s Group Meeting by saying, “Good Morning, Brothers and Sisters. Welcome to our Ward Temple Night!”

3 - The High Priest Group Leader thinks searching for the dead means looking up old friends.

4 - It takes half the meeting for the High Priest Group Leader to sit down and the other half of the meeting for the High Priest Group Leader to get back up.

5 - Everyone in the room keeps asking one another, “Does the High Priest Group Leader look alive to you?”

6 – Whenever the High Priest Group Leader says the opening or closing prayer, everyone folds their arms and closes their eyes, then waits five minutes for the High Priest Group Leader to begin, only to open their eyes and find the H.P. Group Leader sound asleep.

7 – When the High Priest Group Leader leads the music, one person has to hold up the hymnbook while another person holds up his arm.

8 – Every time someone teaches a lesson and mentions our elder brother by name, the High Priest Group Leader shouts, “Amen!”

9 – By the time the High Priest Group Leader gets to High Priest Group meeting, the meeting is over.

10 - The High Priest Group Leader keeps asking, "Who's the High Priest Group Leader? How come we don't have a High Priest Group Leader?"

PRIMARY BURN OUT BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR PRIMARY PRESIDENT MIGHT BE BURNED OUT

2006-02-23T17:26:00.000-07:00

Top Ten Signs Your Primary President Might Be Burned Out:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 - Instead of having a reverence chart, she has an advent calendar posted in the front of the room, counting the days until she is released.

2 - For Sharing Time, the Primary watches Sponge Bob.

3 – Her Primary Theme for the month is, Enduring to the End Is Impossible.

4 - Whenever she sings the Hello song, she replaces Hello with Goodbye.

5 – For treats, she gives out candy cigarettes.

6 – Her phone message says, If you think this your Primary President, please hang up. You have dialed the wrong number.

7 – She’s on a Prozac I.V.

8 – She insists there should be a substitute called for her calling as well.

9 – She keeps standing on the folding chairs, trying to fall backwards.

10 – Holding up a paddle, she says, “Reverence begins with this!”

HAPPY VALENTINE'S BREAKING NEWS: VALENTINE'S CARDS FOR SOMETIMES OVERLOOKED MEMBERS OF THE LDS CHURCH

2006-02-14T17:36:00.000-07:00

Top Ten LDS Valentine’s Day Cards

to Sometimes-Overlooked

Members of the LDS Church:

(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 - To Our Home Teacher on Valentine’s Day: Even though you don’t know us and have never met us before, we’d still like to wish you a very Happy Valentine’s Day.

2 – To All Primary Substitute Teachers: Happy Valentine’s Day, and thanks for substituting for my class last week and the week before and the week before that.

P.S. Could you possibly substitute for me again this week?

3 – To the Ward Chorister: On this Valentine’s Day, we’d like to tell you how much we love the way you lead the music, especially how we only sing the first and last verse of “A Poor Wayfaring Man of Grief,” and never the six verses in between.

4 - To The Ward Clerk – We love you - your wig, your high-tide pants, your wrinkled shirt, short tie and lint-covered blazer. What would Sacrament Meeting be like without you?

5 – To The Chapel Ushers – We love the way you hand out the program each Sunday in your obsessive complusive way, making sure the front cover is always facing towards us and is turned the right way.

6 – To the Basketball Referees: Even though we beat you up, throw chairs at you and call you every name in the book, we still love you!!! Happy Valentine’s Day!!!

7 – To the Unofficial/Junior Gospel Doctrine Teacher: We love the way you sit on the front row of Sunday School class every week and nod your head, “yes” in response to every comment the teacher makes. Your approval of the teacher’s comments makes it seem as though you are teaching the class as well, or that you know as much if not more than the teacher and we love the reassurance this gives us that the Ward is well-suprevised by an extremely dedicated Gospel Doctrine expert.

8 – To Members of the Sunday School Presidency: Even though no one in any Ward could ever name any person who fills any position in the Sunday School Presidency, we still appreciate your willingness to serve.

9 – To the Bishop’s Wife: Happy Valentine’s Day. Oh, you didn’t know it was Valentine’s Day? Sorry. We know sometimes the Bishop’s wife IS the last to know, but we still love you anyway.

10 – To the Ward Welfare Specialist: Happy Valentine’s Day. We hope you enjoy this romantic meal of cracked wheat pie, nonfat dry milk shake, nuts and dried fruits, on a table made of non-flammable, water-resistant cardboard, to the subtle light of a 24-hour emergency candle! Happy Valentine's Day!

WILL YOU BE MY VALENTINE BREAKING NEWS: HAPPYJELLYBEANS 25 FAVORITE CHICK FLICKS

2006-02-14T10:07:00.000-07:00

HAPPYJELLYBEANS 25 FAVORITE CHICK FLICKS:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

In honor of my daughter honoring Valentine's Day (see greedykristian.com), I hereby post my 25 favorite chick flicks.
Disclaimer: Because happyjellybeans has not watched
25 movies in hjb's whole life, this was not an easy task,
but I tried my very hjb best:

Y 1 - Always
Y 2- Marvin’s Room
Y 3 – Truman Show (hey, hey, hey! Truman LOVED life!)
Y 4 - Camelot
Y 5 - Romeo and Juliet (from the 70’s)
Y 6 - Steel Magnolias
Y 7 - While You Were Sleeping
Y 8 - Sleepless in Seattle
Y 9 - The Music Man
Y 10 - The Sound of Music
Y 11 – Somewhere in Time
Y 12- Love Story (with Ali McGraw—stupid movie of the 70’s, but I watched it and cried like 19 times)
Y 13 – The Way we Were
Y 14 – What’s Eating Gilbert Grape (strange, but very thought-provoking movie about love)
Y 15 – Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (Who didn’t fall in love with Paul Newman and Robert Redford every time?)
Y 16 – For that matter: Woodstock (I saw this like 50 times)
Y 17 – Hard Day’s Night – I LOVED the Beatles and screamed and sobbed every time I watched this movie
Y 18 - Yours, Mine and Ours - The old one with Henry Fonda.
Y 19 – I Love Lucy (not a movie, but she was my religion growing up)
Y 20 - The Three Stooges (giving too much of myself away now, but I loved them too, growing up. They were very influential in my formative years.)
Y 21 - The Story of the Making of the Hershey Bar (I wish they’d make this movie, with samples)
Y 22 - Greedy Kristian and Randy; a Love Story (how tender)
Y 23 - Grandcows are Such Special Things (check out greedykristian.com for more on this)
Y 24 – The Book of Mormon movie
Y 25 – My Step-Poppy, Your Step-Poppy; The World’s Greatest Love Story of all Time

(Feel free to add to this list by leaving a comment)

OLYMPIC BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN LDS RELIEF SOCIETY OLYMPIC EVENTS

2006-02-13T11:53:00.000-07:00

Top Ten LDS Relief Society Olympic Events:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 - The Delluge – Which Relief Society is the most overwhelmed?

2 - Speedriving to Church meetings: Watch the sisters race to see who can drive to church the fastest.

3 - Cryatholon – Who will cry the hardest during R.S. Testmony meeting?

4 - Nice Hockey – Who can be the nicest of all the Relief Society sisters, really?

5 - Curling Iron – Best hairstyle with special emphasis paid to bangs.

6 - Doughboarding – Watch the sister compete in whose dough will rise the highest.

7 - Figure Hating – See the sisters interviewed to see who hates whose figure the most.

8 - The scaleleton – See which sister hates her bathroom scale the most.

9 - Downhill creaking – Watch the older sisters race to the Relief Society room to get the best seat.

10 - Mobsled – See who survives a mobbing generated by a huge scrapbook sale.

GARDEN OF EDEN BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN THINGS ADAM AND EVE MAY HAVE SAID TO EACH OTHER HAD THEY BEEN MEMBERS OF THE LDS CHURCH

2006-02-09T17:26:00.000-07:00

TOP TEN THINGS ADAM AND EVE
MAY HAVE SAID TO EACH OTHER
HAD THEY BEEN MEMBERS OF
THE LATTER-DAY SAINT CHURCH:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 - “Eve, you ate one of those apples? Dang!”

2 - “Adam, I thought for Family Home Evening tonight, we’d talk about being tempted to partake of the tree of life.”

3 - “But, Eve, we don’t have to do our genealogy because we don’t have any ancestors!”

4 - “Adam, I’m going over to the church now to drop off my Fig Funeral Casserole.”

5 - “Does tithing mean giving 1/10th of our fig leaf to the church too?”

6 - “Adam, look what we made at Enrichment Night tonight: We made couch pillows out of coats of skin. Aren’t they cute?”

7 – “Adam, do you know when the next D.I. drive is? I have a ton of stuff I need to get rid of.”

8 – “Eve, I’m going over to the church now to help the Ward clean-up all of those thorns and thistles.”

9 – “Eve, now that I’ve been kicked out of the garden, what will happen to me if I don’t hearken unto you any more?”

10 – “With all of these trees around here, we have more than a two year’s supply of food.”

SABBATH DAY BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN ITEMS LDS WILL BUY ON SUNDAY IF THEY HAVE TO AND WHY

2006-02-08T16:45:00.000-07:00

TOP TEN ITEMS LDS PEOPLE WILL BUY ON SUNDAY IF THEY HAVE TO AND WHY
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 - Toilet paper: No comment.
2 - Prescriptions: It’s either that or run the risk of dying.
3 - Gasoline: It’s either that or stay home from church.
4 - Forgotten ingredient in a recipe: It’s either that or throw away good food.
5 - Class treat: It’s either that or deal with an irreverent class and possibly ask to be released.
6 – Poster board: It’s either that or have the class not understand what the heck is being taught.
7 - Baby food: It’s either that or the baby could starve.
8 - Dog food: It’s either that or the dog could starve.
9 – Newspaper: It’s that or miss knowing if the last day is finally here (plus peeking at all of the sports scores).
10 – Cookies/candy/soda: No comment.

SUPER BOWL BREAKING NEWS: TOP TEN REASONS WHY HISTORY PROVES THE SUPER BOWL IS AN LDS INSPIRED EVENT

2006-02-03T12:38:00.000-07:00

TOP TEN REASONS WHY HISTORY PROVES
THE SUPER BOWL IS A TOTALLY INSPIRED
LDS EVENT:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 – As a result of inspiration, Mormon, Lee Johnson's 63-yard punt, in Super Bowl XXIII, was the longest punt in Super Bowl history.

2 – Former Cougar. Jim McMahon -- from church inspired school, BYU -- was responsible for two rushing touchdowns in Super Bowl XX, holding second place in all-time touchdowns scored and rushing touchdowns in a Super Bowl game.

3 - In this year's Super Bowl, Seattle has two former BYU coaches and one former BYU player on its team. The Pittsburgh Steelers have three former BYU defensive linemen on its team.

4 – Mormon, Fred Brown, invented Detroit’s Ford Field Stadium.

5 – Mormon, Sylia Stansworth, designed the seats in the stadium.

6 - Mormon, Philo T. Farnsworth, invented the television so that four billion people all over the world can watch the Super Bowl.

7 – Former friend of many Mormons, Orville B. Redenbacher invented popcorn so we would all have something to eat while watching the game.
8 – Claymation commericials were designed by a company in Provo.

9 – Clydesdale horses were trained by former Mormon, Sonja Johnson.

10 – The air inside the Goodyear Blimp is personally filled by a close friend of Orin Hatch, Ted Kennedy.

RIGHTFUL BREAKING NEWS: LDS BILL OF RIGHTS

2006-02-01T16:58:00.000-07:00

TOP TEN LDS BILL OF RIGHTS:
(By Bettyanne Bruin)

1 - I have the right to sit in the same seat at church because it’s the only place I feel truly inspired.

2 - I have the right to keep every compassionate service dish I have received and neglected to return the last six years.

3 - I have the right to not give a lesson once a year because I’d rather talk about the Super Bowl instead.

4 - I have the right to believe I might still be going to the Celestial Kingdom, even though I just got back from Wendover.

5 - I have the right to crash anything my home teaching families might be in the middle of -- including sleeping, family parties or grandpa dying on the family couch because I believe so strongly in the home teaching program.

6 - I have the right to criticize what my neighbor does on Sunday, even though what I do on Saturday is probably worse.

7 - I have the right to put lipstick on my lips and tell the Primary children I am going to kiss them if they don’t sing because, by doing this, they actually do sing louder.

8 - I have the right to knock on my neighbor’s door, at any chosen moment, and scream, “The end of the world is here!” because this might make him want to finally take the missionary discussions.

9 - I have the right to consider myself as having read the Book or Mormon, even though I have never gotten past the “compare to Isaiah” part.

10 - I have the right to put whatever I want into the church hymnal holder because my tithing helps pay for this and it looks so much like a mini-trashcan holder too.